WASHINGTON (July 5) — The Republican Party ventured even further into the Land of the Lost over the last month with the results of Senate primaries in Kentucky and Nevada where, as one news report put it, “far right candidates were edged by extreme right candidates.”
With the ascendancy of Rand Paul, Sharron Angle and other batty Tea Party ideologues, it’s becoming necessary to re-categorize this new wing of an already strongly conservative organization. Journalists are laboring to describe political views so far out there that even a thesaurus struggles to come up with an accurate modifier.
The Washington Post recently adopted the term the “Unbelievably Right” to replace what only last month had been the standard, which was the “Extraordinarily Right.” The New York Times uses the “Especially Right” or, occasionally, the “Fantastical Right,” while CNN has opted for a more down-to-earth “Mighty Right” or “Really, Really Right.” MSNBC typically describes the arch-arch-conservatives as the “Mega-Right” or the “Totally Right” and the left-leaning Huffington Post seems to prefer “Life-Threateningly Right” or “Other-Worldly Right”. Fox News calls them simply “our friends.”
To keep up with this race to the extreme fringe, candidates are seeking ever more innovative ways to show how much contempt they have for moderation. One Libertarian candidate for the state senate in Alabama claims he only makes right turns while driving in his car, accusing his Republican opponent of occasionally hanging a left.
“I’d rather ride around the block in circles to get where I’m going than to consider anything on that opposite side of the spectrum,” said former city councilman Avery Bender. “It’s a slippery slope. First, you’re pulling into an Arby’s and, next thing you know, you’re rounding up gun owners into concentration camps.”
In Texas, the Republican candidate for state attorney general refuses to use either limb on the left side of his body as he goes about his daily activities. Judge Allen Newby hops about his chambers in downtown Amarillo on only his right leg. His left arm has been duct-taped to his chest beneath his shirt. He said he’d rather bang his gavel with his right hand and sign court papers with his teeth than succumb to influences of the left.
An Arkansas candidate for the state house has gone one step further, having his left lung and left kidney surgically removed so that there’s no chance his politics might shift in that direction. The procedure at first appeared to backfire, since the reduction in weight on that side of his torso, as well as the excruciating pain, led him to constantly bend slightly to the left.
“I’m going back in to have some weights put into those empty cavities to give me more balance,” said Martin Carroll. “I’m thinking of having the left hemisphere of my brain removed while I’m already under anesthesia. I just have to make sure my insurance company will cover it.”
In addition to these figurative efforts, there is an intellectual segment of the Incredibly Right that prefers to demonstrate its ultra-conservatism through policy rather than symbolism. The National Tea Party Confederation met over the weekend to sip warm, lightly caffeinated beverages, eat ladyfinger cookies off lace doilies while wearing frilly smocks and flowery hats, and hammer out a platform that will deliver America to a fascist tyranny.
The group took Sharron Angle’s contention that there should be no exceptions to allow abortion in any case even one step further. The confederation believes that not only are fertilized eggs entitled a right to life, but that unfertilized eggs as well as the millions of sperm produced by each man every day should also be nurtured to birth and a full life.
“Even if that life consists only of standing on the shoulders of fellow citizens who take up every square inch of land surface in the U.S., we think it’s worth it,” said Tea Party president Mark Williams. “We firmly believe that life is sacred and that it should be endured by every cell potentially capable of replicating itself.”
On the subject of prayer in schools, the Tea Party platform calls for the Supreme Court to overturn rulings that insist on a separation between church and state. Going beyond merely allowing prayer, they want to require it to be shouted loudly into the faces of schoolchildren for at least five minutes each hour.
“It wouldn’t have to interrupt or detract from the teaching that’s going on in the classrooms,” Williams said. “We would count on volunteers from local churches to be on hand while classes are changing to harangue the youngsters into giving their lives over to God while they fumbled for textbooks in their lockers.”
In perhaps the ultimate show of support for a society unencumbered by structure or concern for the common good, the conference called on its supporters to endorse the termination of every single federal, state and local government worker, except for one. The remaining employee would not be stationed inside the dreaded Beltway of Washington, D.C., but instead would constantly travel the country, picking up people’s garbage, enforcing laws, running schools, staffing prisons and protecting the public.
“We know it’s a lot to ask of one person, but we could pay him or her a billion dollars a year to do it and still save trillions,” said Williams. “We just need to find a young go-getter who’s willing to work hard. That shouldn’t be hard with all those grown-up eggs and sperms looking for a job.”