Fake News: McChrystal in the job hunt

WASHINGTON (June 28) — Sacked by President Obama following publication of disrespectful comments made by his staff in Rolling Stone magazine, Gen. Stanley McChrystal now finds himself looking for a job where running eight miles on only one meal a day and sleeping just four hours a night are considered marketable skill sets.

“I’ve been going through the classified ads and thought I could find something under ‘general labor,'” the former commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan said. “Apparently, they don’t mean ‘general’ as in Army officer; they mean ‘general’ as in ‘entry level cell tower builders.’ I’m more about nation-building than tower-building.”

The 56-year-old career officer said he could retire on his pension if he wanted to, but that he feels he has a lot to offer the right kind of company. That, plus his wife of 33 years doesn’t want him puttering around the Western Hemisphere.

“She says she wants me to find something nice in Asia, though I hear they’re not hiring right now,” McChrystal noted.

McChrystal said that he has been on a number of interviews since his dismissal last week, which he found encouraging when so many job-seekers have gone months without even a nibble of interest from potential employers. He credits his extensive military experience for opening doors and getting critical face time with hiring managers.

Despite recent negative experiences with the press, he allowed this reporter to accompany him on one interview.

“I started out in C Company, 1st Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 82nd Airborne Division, then moved on to the 3rd Battalion, 19th Infantry, 7th Special Forces Group,” the general proudly told Ross Bledsoe, personnel director for Safelite Auto Glass Replacement. “I was head of the Joint Special Operations Command when we killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the leader of al-Qaida in Iraq.”

“I was in the Army myself,” Bledsoe chuckled. “I was stationed with the 23rd Psalm, 19th Nervous Breakdown, 7th Heaven, Second Grade. You have a very well-typed resume that reads like a Rambo movie, but I just don’t see how assassinating terrorist leaders lends itself to a career in repairing broken windshields. We’ll let you know if anything opens up.”

“My men were charged with dismantling car bombs,” he offered hopefully. “That’s kind of like auto glass replacement, if you think about it.”

An obviously disheartened McChrystal noted that he was also really good at counterinsurgency, if Safelite ever finds itself expanding into that field.

Afterward, the general said he had a few more irons in the fire for an afternoon session driving around suburban Washington. The crumpled newspaper in his hand had several opportunities circled, including a marketing specialist position at Storm Gutter Guardian, an office manager with Safety Equipment Company, and mailroom director at Dominion Community College. He also had a tentative interview at an Arlington Texaco, which was looking for a convenience store clerk/mechanic.

“Does Texaco still have that jingle about ‘you can trust your car to the man who wears the star’?” the general asked. “I’d think they’d be pretty impressed by a general who wears three stars.”

Tomorrow, he intends to knock on a few doors in healthcare-related businesses. He felt pretty confident he’d at least get a callback on a dental assistant position “because I know a guy who knows a guy,” and said he was “just about positive” he’d have a shot at a $13-an-hour pre-surgery scheduling job.

“Frankly, I’m hoping when they see ‘special operations’ on my resume that they’ll think I’m some kind of surgeon,” he said. “A surgeon could lend some real insight into how to obtain preauthorization from insurance carriers, as long as they don’t think I’d be overqualified.”

McChrystal said he was confident his background in overcoming adversity during heated battles in Kosovo, Kuwait and a stint as senior fellow at Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government would serve him well during the increasingly frustrating search.

“I’m a proud man though I won’t let that pride get in the way of landing me a job,” McChrystal said. “I’ll stand at an interstate exit ramp with a sign reading ‘will insubordinate for food’ if I have to. I’d have to get ‘insubordinate’ to fit on a piece of cardboard, but I am known as a real problem-solver.”

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One Response to “Fake News: McChrystal in the job hunt”

  1. tychy Says:

    As a former general, he’d make the perfect statue. All he has to do is stand on a plinth in a town square and look heroic.

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