Fake News: Axis of Evil becomes Alliance of Grace

WASHINGTON (June 16) — Following years of unsuccessful efforts to scold rogue states into better behavior, the U.S. State Department embarked on a new initiative recently to see the “positive side” of border incursions, illegal nuclear development and rocket attacks on neighbors.  

“We’ve tried ‘condemning’ this and ‘denouncing’ that and it’s really gotten us nowhere,” said spokesman Anthony Emerson. “We think it’s time for an approach that recognizes a certain inherent good in nations that threaten world peace.”  

The first example in this new era of diplomacy may have come in response to tensions in northeast Asia following the sinking of a South Korean boat by a North Korean torpedo assault in March. Undersecretary for Asian Affairs Mark Hamm described the attack that killed 46 sailors as a “good shot” reflecting “excellent aim” by the Communist gunnery team.  

“And it was nice, in this era of high-tech military gadgetry and impersonal drones, to see the use of an old-fashioned torpedo to sink the Cheonan,” Hamm said. “Locking in on someone in the crosshairs of a periscope shows a human touch you don’t often see in modern naval encounters. It was so World War II. Very retro.”  

Hamm went on to compliment North Korean leader Kim Jong-il for restraint in not launching an all-out nuclear attack on the South, and noted how that nation’s people have responded to years of internal repression with an optimistic spirit.  

“For example, all the notes we’ve seen asking for political asylum display excellent penmanship and a familiarity with the conventions of writing a good business letter,” Hamm said. “The population may be ravaged by famine but that hasn’t interfered with their sense of courtesy. A well-penned ‘Dear Sir or Madam’ and positioning the date flush right at the top of the page are the small touches that get you noticed.”  

Hamm also said that the North Korean people had a very high percentage of seat belt usage among the 50 or so who own cars, and are typically very conscientious about signaling both left and right turns well in advance of the maneuver.  

A spokesman for supreme leader Kim seemed startled by the positive tone coming out of Washington, perhaps reflecting some initial acceptance of the new strategy.  

“We utterly rebuke the imperialist Americans for their interference in the internal affairs on the Korean peninsula,” said Park Lo-Ji. “No, wait — we don’t rebuke them after all. Instead, we say hey, thanks for noticing us.”  

Meanwhile, a similar policy adjustment was evident in the release of two memos from the State Department’s Middle Eastern Affairs bureau. In one note addressed to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the leader was complimented for his dapper fashion sense “from his open-collar casual flair to the carefully maintained three-day beard growth that offers a balance from his more rugged side.” The release also observed that Iranian scientists had done a “bang-up job” in their uranium enrichment program and that spy satellites observing the development site hidden deep in the mountains showed very little litter in the smoking area just outside of the plant’s cafeteria.  

A second note to radical Hamas leaders in Gaza gave the Islamic terrorist organization high marks for boating safety in the war-torn region. It noted that passengers on the flotilla delivering aid to the besieged state were all wearing life vests at the time they were attacked by Israeli commandoes in a recent raid.  

“We also want to comment on what a fine job the Gazans are doing in rebuilding their economy. They are now widely recognized as a leader in the manufacture of soot, grime, dirt and related dust products that global markets are just waiting to embrace,” said the memo. “And we would be remiss if we didn’t also mention the world-class tunnel-building technology on the border with Egypt. Some excellent work there.”  

“Whoa,” said Hamas founder Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi. “Gee … thanks.”  

Looking good

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One Response to “Fake News: Axis of Evil becomes Alliance of Grace”

  1. Stentorphone Says:

    My Mom always told us that “a little honey attracts the bees.”

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