Fake News: President finally goes nuts

WASHINGTON (June 7) — Faced with increasing criticism that he’s a “President Spock” who’s showing no emotion in response to the gulf oil spill, President Obama told a White House press conference yesterday that executives at BP are “shit-faced assholes.”

“Goddamn those motherfuckers to hell,” a red-faced Obama shouted during an hour-long session with reporters in the Rose Garden. “They are cocksuckers of the first order, and I’ll say the same thing to their face. Let me at that cretin (BP’s chief executive officer) Tony Hayward! I’ll kill the bastard!”

As recently as last week, Obama had been disparaged by many observers for showing no visceral reaction to the disaster that has unfolded off the coast of Louisiana. Asked if he had “really seen rage from the president,” press secretary Robert Gibbs noted only a clenched jaw. Pressed further on the observation, Gibbs conceded there was also some twitching on the presidential cheek near his ear.

“Don’t discount the clenched jaw,” Gibb had commented later. “The president actually had to see his dentist later that day.”

The eruption at the White House yesterday was just the latest manifestation of the Obama’s increasing frustration with clean-up efforts in the gulf. Unnamed administration officials who traveled with the president on Air Force One over the weekend said he had to be tranquilized at one point when he trashed the communications center aboard the jet and threatened to throw a pool reporter out the window at 37,000 feet.

“He was ripping open his shirt, bearing his teeth and roaring his frustration in a very convincing matter,” said the source. “He made quite a Credible Hulk.”

In the motorcade from Andrews Air Force Base to the presidential residence, Obama garroted his driver with a steel wire, commandeered the car and slammed the armored Lincoln into a bank of gas pumps at a BP station. When confronted by the station owner, the president pulled a knife and delivered several off-the-cuff remarks that included “don’t make me cut you” and “get the fuck out of my face.”

The commander-in-chief had calmed down only slightly by the time he returned to Washington for the session with the media. When asked if BP had reimbursed the government for expenses so far, the president knocked the podium aside with one swipe of his powerful paw, and rushed several cabinet officials who were standing nearby. He grabbed interior secretary Ken Salazar and wreched his trademark cowboy hat down over his face, and took a fist-sized bite out of the shoulder of EPA administrator Lisa Jackson. It took three members of the Marine honor guard to subdue the nation’s forty-fourth president with a combination of tear gas and tasers.

Somewhat more composed following the fracas, Obama appeared eager to capitalize on the opportunity to step outside of his usually unflappable temperament, calling Afghan President Hamid Karzai a “prick,” newly installed British prime minister David Cameron a “major prick,” and German chancellor Angela Merkel a “psycho bitch Nazi slut.”

Then the president gathered his wits, looked squarely at the television camera, and slowly muttered what will likely be the catchphrase for this key point in his presidency: “I’ve had it with those mother-fucking leaks in this mother-fucking Gulf.”

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9 Responses to “Fake News: President finally goes nuts”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    Wow! I read your blog every day and enjoy all of them thoroughly, Davis but this one was just a touch over the top. The language doesn’t bother me at all, but the association, even billed as “fake”, with our head of state is pretty raw. More shocking than funny in my opinion.


  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    Dern, Davis. Lay that satire on with a trowel, why don’tcha? Well,,, it’s your blog, not mine.

    Better days ahead.

  3. Tammy Says:

    Oh plz people. Take a joke for what it’s worth. And cuss words? Part of most peoples everyday life…no, it isn’t pretty to hear, but when used for comedic purposes, or when you are EXTREMELY ticked…useful! lol…sheesh.
    Cover your virgin ears/eyes.

  4. Paul Dixon Says:

    @Tammy: It’s really not a matter of “virgin ears”. I swear like a drunken sailor-just ask my wife. (no slur intended towards sailors, drunken or otherwise.)

    From my perspective, it’s more that Davis usually employs deftness and subtlety in his use of satire, and in this particular installment, he used hyperbole on a nuclear scale, somewhat akin to a surgeon suddenly using a chainsaw, rather than a scalpel. Plus (and maybe this is an age-related perspective), people my age (55+) were raised with a reverence towards the office of the presidency, no matter who holds the office at any particular moment.

    I’m 99.7 % certain that Davis admires President Obama as much as I do, and I “got” the comedic purpose behind the rant. It simply struck me as overdone and, as Tom1950 phrased it, a “touch over the top”.

    • tom1950 Says:

      Thanks, Paul. My point exactly. I’ll let the ‘drunken sailor’ slip by this time. I spent over 20 years in the Navy. Fortunately, I remember about half of it.


  5. Paul Dixon Says:

    For what it’s worth-my wife just read it, thought it was hilarious, and now thinks I’m a self-righteous prig.

  6. Tammy Says:

    Well, while I certainly appreciate your point, and your service to our country (my son being a Marine), I feel number 1 that even the president himself could have found humor in Daves post…most self assured people can laugh at themselves, number 2 I believe I am allowed to think it was funny, and not disrespectful and number 3…you are exactly right that cussing is not socially appropriate…neither is most of what happens in politics. Laughing about absurdities is the only thing keeping me going…lol. So, forgive me for finding it funny….and I am sure Dave has seen the error of his ways and will continue writing with the “scalple” and not the “chainsaw” from now on! I enjoy either style! 😉 Please forgive me President Obama and Tom and Paul and Dave!!! Oh, and I am in my mid 40’s and do use a foul word here and there…and my grandmother is 90 and could cuss you under the table! And no we are not trashy people at all! She is a very classy and upper class lady when need be, and a cussing “sailor” when she see’s fit! 😀 We just happen to be a family who loves to laugh, even at off color jokes. Thanks again for all the discussion! This will be my last input on it, as I have said all I need to on the subject. Thanks again for your service…and thank YOU Dave for writing so well!

  7. Paul Dixon Says:

    It should be pointed out that I did not claim military service. It was another reader, Tom1950 who served 20 years in the U.S. Navy.

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