Fake News: President finally goes nuts

WASHINGTON (June 7) — Faced with increasing criticism that he’s a “President Spock” who’s showing no emotion in response to the gulf oil spill, President Obama told a White House press conference yesterday that executives at BP are “shit-faced assholes.”

“Goddamn those motherfuckers to hell,” a red-faced Obama shouted during an hour-long session with reporters in the Rose Garden. “They are cocksuckers of the first order, and I’ll say the same thing to their face. Let me at that cretin (BP’s chief executive officer) Tony Hayward! I’ll kill the bastard!”

As recently as last week, Obama had been disparaged by many observers for showing no visceral reaction to the disaster that has unfolded off the coast of Louisiana. Asked if he had “really seen rage from the president,” press secretary Robert Gibbs noted only a clenched jaw. Pressed further on the observation, Gibbs conceded there was also some twitching on the presidential cheek near his ear.

“Don’t discount the clenched jaw,” Gibb had commented later. “The president actually had to see his dentist later that day.”

The eruption at the White House yesterday was just the latest manifestation of the Obama’s increasing frustration with clean-up efforts in the gulf. Unnamed administration officials who traveled with the president on Air Force One over the weekend said he had to be tranquilized at one point when he trashed the communications center aboard the jet and threatened to throw a pool reporter out the window at 37,000 feet.

“He was ripping open his shirt, bearing his teeth and roaring his frustration in a very convincing matter,” said the source. “He made quite a Credible Hulk.”

In the motorcade from Andrews Air Force Base to the presidential residence, Obama garroted his driver with a steel wire, commandeered the car and slammed the armored Lincoln into a bank of gas pumps at a BP station. When confronted by the station owner, the president pulled a knife and delivered several off-the-cuff remarks that included “don’t make me cut you” and “get the fuck out of my face.”

The commander-in-chief had calmed down only slightly by the time he returned to Washington for the session with the media. When asked if BP had reimbursed the government for expenses so far, the president knocked the podium aside with one swipe of his powerful paw, and rushed several cabinet officials who were standing nearby. He grabbed interior secretary Ken Salazar and wreched his trademark cowboy hat down over his face, and took a fist-sized bite out of the shoulder of EPA administrator Lisa Jackson. It took three members of the Marine honor guard to subdue the nation’s forty-fourth president with a combination of tear gas and tasers.

Somewhat more composed following the fracas, Obama appeared eager to capitalize on the opportunity to step outside of his usually unflappable temperament, calling Afghan President Hamid Karzai a “prick,” newly installed British prime minister David Cameron a “major prick,” and German chancellor Angela Merkel a “psycho bitch Nazi slut.”

Then the president gathered his wits, looked squarely at the television camera, and slowly muttered what will likely be the catchphrase for this key point in his presidency: “I’ve had it with those mother-fucking leaks in this mother-fucking Gulf.”

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