Fake News: A gleeful solution to oil spill

NEW ORLEANS (June 2) — Faced with increasing public despair after a failed attempt to halt the gulf oil spill by hacking at the wellhead with a saw, BP officials announced an initiative yesterday to “turn America’s frown upside down”.

Company executives are bringing the cast of the hit Fox TV show “Glee” to the scene of the unfolding catastrophe, both to lift the spirits of cleanup workers as well as offer ideas on how to stem the eruption of over 50 thousand barrels a day of petroleum into one of the world’s most delicate ecosystems.

“We’re all so discouraged by failure after failure that we thought it was time to get a little pick-me-up from these fresh-faced young people who are taking the nation by storm,” said chairman Tony Hayward. “They’re going to put the ‘sass’ back in ‘disaster’.”

Most of the actors from the series made their first appearance at what is now history’s worst environmental calamity late yesterday. Seven members of the fictional “New Directions” high school choral group put on a performance on the beach in nearby Biloxi, Mississippi. They sang several 1970s classics — including the Doobie Brothers’ “Black Water,” the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” — before the show was cut short because they kept slipping on the oil during dance interludes.

“We’re doing one last song before we call it a night,” said a crude-soaked Lea Michele, who plays Rachel Berry, the talented star of the McKinley High glee club. “We hope you enjoy our rendition of ‘Bad Company,’ which we dedicate to our hosts from BP.”

Michele and co-star Cory Monteith, who plays quarterback and singer Finn Hudson on the program, gamely belted out several lines of the duet before stumbling over a mound of stricken pelicans, commenting “son of a bitch,” and returning to their tour bus.

On Thursday, the entire cast of 12 will be jammed into a miniature submersible to visit the site of the spill 70 miles off the coast and more than 5,000 feet underwater. The vehicle, which normally holds a crew of two, “should be a bit of a tight squeeze, but these kids have such a can-do spirit that I don’t think they’ll mind, as long as we can figure out a way to get them enough oxygen,” said Hayward.

After observing the spewing gusher up close, actor Matthew Morrison, who plays choir director Will Schuester, will lead the group in a delicate maneuver.

“We’re going to take control of the robotic arms and put on a mechanized ‘jazz hands’ production number,” said Morrison, who previously appeared on Broadway in such musical hits as Hairspray and The Light in the Piazza. “We’ll all be studying hard tonight to learn how to manipulate those giant steel claws. Let’s hit the books, kids!”

If the troupe doesn’t accidentally bang against something that miraculously stops the leak, BP officials said their next idea for a permanent fix would be a so-called “hunk shot,” in which bits of golf balls, rubber and chunks of Mark Salling, who plays the handsome, pouting “Puck” Puckerman in the series, will be injected into the seeping deposit.

“I’m just honored that someone thought we could make a difference here,” said paraplegic guitarist “Artie Adams,” who is played by Kevin McHale, star center of the 1984 NBA champion Boston Celtics. “It just breaks my heart to think what I’m going to have to pay for the seafood platter at Captain D’s.”

The cast will wrap up their visit to the gulf Friday night with a benefit concert at the Louisiana Superdome, where “Glee” creator Ryan Murphy promises some special compositions for the thousands of fans expected to attend.

“We’ll be doing a take-off on the Blue Oyster Cult hit, calling it ‘(Don’t Fear) the Oil Spill’, as well as some adapted lyrics to Bob Marley’s ‘I Shot the Sheriff’. It goes ‘I shot the chairman/But I didn’t shoot the CEO’,” Murphy said. “And we hope to have clearance from Paul Simon so we can do ‘Fifty Ways to Cap an Oil Leak’. So my advice to everyone working so hard down here to figure out how to stop this calamity is ‘Make a new plan, Stan/Don’t need to be coy, Roy.'”

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2 Responses to “Fake News: A gleeful solution to oil spill”

  1. Bob O'Lary Says:

    OK! Now I GET it!
    My first April Fools edition of the Flambeau (1976), you (as editor) ran a pic I took of my neighbors humping in the doorway of their apartment, and the headline boldly states “Having Sex!”

    I wondered to myself who at the Flam had such a wild sense of humor? Could it be Richard Lee and his classified ad jokes & spoofs?? no, it was the Editor in chief Davis W!
    SO VERY GLAD you still GOT IT my old friend!!
    Yours sincerely,
    Bob O’Lary
    ps. and Holly & Pedro “got it” too, and we got to watch!

  2. Surrogate Mother Says:

    well, GLEE is the best musical tv series out there, nice characters and nice songs -`*

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