Fake News: Greece looks overseas for help

ATHENS, Greece (May 31) — Facing a debt crisis that is threatening its viability as a second-rate nation, Greece is turning to its diaspora for financial assistance in an attempt to pay off its bills and get the Acropolis back from the pawn shop.

Americans in particular have stepped up to lend their assistance, especially the Fake Greek community that makes up the fraternity and sorority system at many U.S. universities. Hundreds of college-age men are reportedly flying to Europe after classes let out this month, though many became lost en route when their backwards caps confused airline personnel who inadvertently gave directions to the backs of their heads.

“We wanted to lend our expertise in fund-raising,” said one who did manage to find his way. “The partying and hazing that are an essential part of Greek life in the U.S. present some unique opportunities for generating cash.”

Members from the fraternity Alpha Kappa Phi will be physically abusing and humiliating a group of volunteers, charging admission to the event and using the proceeds to pay off a series of bond obligations coming due from German banks next month. Participants will dress in diapers, be kept awake for six days, forced to drink a cocktail of beer and urine, have rotting animal carcasses smeared on their chests, beaten senseless, then required to sing a medley of John Mayer tunes backwards.

Another prank will see the fraternity Sigma Rho Epsilon invite ugly countries to a conference on technological cooperation in the region, then vote on which attendee is the most physically unattractive.

“We’ve already heard back from Moldova, Kosovo, Herzegovina and Slovenia, and they’re definitely coming,” said a giggling Alan Reed. “I’m not sure how this will raise any money, but you can’t really put a price on how those ladies will look when they realize they’ve been punked.”

In another initiative, the makers of Grecian Formula are shipping in 800 barrels of their hair-dying solution, to be put to use on the battered accounting books of the Greek treasury.

“This stuff will turn anything black,” said company spokesperson Bill Peterson. “Normally we use it on grey beards, sideburns and mustaches, but there’s no reason it can’t also work on numbers that are in the red.”

The entertainment world is also planning to do its part to help in the economic recovery of the birthplace of democracy. The touring company of the musical “Grease” will be donating ten percent of its proceeds from its two-night stop in Athens, Georgia. A group of Las Vegas comedians will conduct a “gag-a-thon” in which the joke “What’s a Grecian urn?” will be asked repeatedly during a 48-hour charity event at the fabulous Parthenon casino and nightclub. Actor John Stamos has agreed to hold-up a number of liquor and convenience stores near his home in Los Angeles, and donate cigarettes and lottery tickets to the effort.

Meanwhile, even small-town America will be getting into the act. Working-class diners owned predominantly by Greek immigrants will be shipping their blue-plate lunch special of a meat, three vegetables and a piece of pie to select finance ministers in the European Union. It is hoped that the heavy mid-day meal will put most of the officials to sleep, rendering them incapable of remembering how much exactly they are owed by the Greeks.

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