An embarrassment of Sarahs

To paraphrase the Doris Day hit song from the 1950s, “Que Sarah Sarah.”

Whatever will be, will be … as long as that destiny includes a trio of lovely ladies with that most lovely of first names.

This week’s entertainment news saw three Sarah-licious figures hopping from coast to coast to coast, offering up their sassy take on why the world owes them its attention.

First off, it was Britain’s roly-poly royal, Lady Sarah Ferguson, further cementing her position as Tea Party icon with a rambling defense of a fellow babe running for governor of South Carolina. Ferguson, former Alaska honcho and GOP vice-presidential nominee in 2008, used her Facebook page to condemn allegations that the Palmetto State’s Nikki Haley had an extra-marital relationship in apparent contradiction of her strong pro-family values.

“Well, whaddya know? South Carolina’s conservative candidate recently zipped to the front in her state’s race for governor and, lo and behold, now accusations of an affair surface,” Ferguson wrote in her folksy style. “Unfortunately, that’s the nature of the beast in politics today — especially for conservative underdog candidates who threaten to shake things up so government can be put back on the side of the people. I’ve been there. Any lies told about you will strengthen your resolve to clean up lamestream media corruption.”

Then, a few days later, Lady Sarah was back on the front pages again, this time calling out a writer who moved in next door to her Wasilla home. Joe McGinnis, author of “The Selling of the President,” a classic of political journalism, is working on a book about the princess governor. He recently took up residence nearby to keep a look-out on the hot neighbor lady.

Ferguson wrote: “I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! So, puttin’ on the shorts and tank top to catch that too-brief northern summer sun and placing Trig in his toddler backpack for a lawn-mowing adventure, I looked up in surprise to see a ‘new neighbor’. Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in. He moved up from Massachusetts to write a book about me. We’re sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure. Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper’s bedroom.”

Not to be outdone in the “no such thing as bad publicity” department, next up was actress Sarah Jessica Parker caught on hidden camera taking a bribe to gain access to her husband and to offer certain other favors.

Parker was captured on videotape receiving a suitcase packed with $40,000 by an undercover reporter conducting a sting operation. The film has since been released to the media.

“I hope this is enough to get me access to Matthew,” said the reporter’s voice, referring to Parker’s husband, Broadway actor Matthew Broderick.

“It should be plenty,” Parker is heard to say. “You probably could’a just walked right up to him on the street — he’s not as big a star as I am, ya know. But this’ll make things smoother.”

“Well, there’s more where that came from, if you care to play along,” says the reporter. “I’m authorized to offer another $700,000 if you’ll agree to have a bagoplasty and grant us exclusive coverage.”

“Bagoplasty?” asks an uncertain Parker.

“Yes, it’s the surgical implantation of a paper sack onto your neck and upper shoulders, completing encasing your hideous head,” the reporter continues.

“Gee, I don’t know,” says a tentative Parker. “I do need the money …”

Finally, the end of the week saw the debut of Sarah Louise Palin in her big-budget follow-up to last year’s monster movie hit. “Sex and the City 2,” which shows America’s favorite cougars prowling the deserts of the Middle East, may not have been a favorite of critics given an early preview —

“Some of these people make my skin crawl,” wrote film reviewer Roger Ebert. “The characters are flyweight bubbleheads living in a world which rarely requires three sentences in a row.”

“One wrong-headed jaw-dropper follows the next,” said another critic. “The climax has the ladies escaping an angry male mob by wearing hijabs given to them by like-minded Muslim women. An affront to Islam.”

“By the time they ride camels, it’s ‘Ishtar’ in designer gowns,” wrote a third.

But it’s sure to resonate with that segment of the audience that loves shopping, glamour, designer duds and poofy hair.

Palin, making the rounds of late-night talk shows in a high-energy promotion blitz, defended the movie, which opens this weekend.

“Those gotcha guys never have anything positive to say about strong women in strong roles,” Palin told Jay Leno.

Leno then pressed Palin to name other films that drew a similar prejudice.

“Well, let’s see. There’s — of course in the great history of America there have been movies that there’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American,” Palin said. “And there are those issues, again, like ‘Monsters vs. Aliens’, which I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but –”

Meanwhile, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, singer Sarah McLachlan and comedian Sarah Silverman, held a joint press conference to say “hey, don’t forget about us.”

Sorry, gals, but you can’t compete with the holy trinity of Sarahs making us joyfully hum another ancient ditty — Hall and Oates’ classic “Sarah Smile” — all this week.

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One Response to “An embarrassment of Sarahs”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    Okay, Mr. W-Let’s see if I have this right: The point behind deliberately mixing up the three Sarahs is that, in the Land of the Bubbleheads, it really doesn’t make any difference. Is that it?

    Ya know, at one time, not so long ago, the very idea of Sarah Palin running for the office of the Presidency would have remained a ludicrous concept, if not for the perfect tilling of the political soil by Moron Bush. (If someone as stupid as Bush could be president, gee-why not Sarah?) Thanks, Mr. Former Presidink, for so effectively lowering the bar.

    If politics is, indeed, the art of the possible, let it never be said that George W was not a master practitioner. I wish I could trust my fellow Americans to do the right thing in 2012, but, as H.L. Mencken said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

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