Fake News: South Carolina considers immigration

COLUMBIA, S.C. (May 24) — A legislature that can’t figure how out to impeach a governor who used state funding to philander with an Argentinean babe appears ready to take on an issue that even the federal government can’t solve — illegal immigration.

It probably doesn’t help matters that the South Carolina Senate has gutted school funding for years, cementing that state’s position near the bottom of the national rankings for education. Now, those poorly instructed citizens are running a legislative body that is considering a bill similar to one recently passed in Arizona, requiring police to demand citizenship papers from its beige and taupe residents.

What the representatives lack in smarts is more than made up for with cojones.

“With that BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico making everybody brown, it’s going to be harder than ever to figure who is merely an oil-soaked-but-naturalized American citizen and who is an illegal immigrant trying to swim across the gulf,” said Sen. Harvey Peeler of Cherokee. “Just look at the governor of Louisiana, that Bobby Jindal. He looks Mexican but that can’t be, because he’s a Republican.”

“To tell who’s Hispanic and who isn’t, we should require everyone to take the TB test,” said Sen. Mick Mulvaney, Lancaster. “It’s the Taco Bell test. Law enforcement officials would be required to carry a seven-layer burrito with them, and anyone who’s stopped will be asked to take a bite. If they eat it, we’ll know they’re true Americans; if they refuse, we’ll know they’re Mexicans.”

“I’d like to see the same technology used in those breathalyzer ignition locks that keeps drunks from driving,” said Sen. Lee Bright, Spartanburg. “Make one that tests for Hispanic breath, and attach it to all gas-powered leaf blowers. Landscape workers who are illegals won’t be able to work here.”

State representatives tried to use the Arizona law as a model for the new legislation they’re crafting, but appeared to be misinterpreting key provisions.

“I don’t see what good it’s going to do to demand papers,” said Sen. Raymond Cleary, Georgetown. “You can pick up a USA Today or just about any other paper for less than a dollar at a newsstand. What does that prove?”

“You ask somebody if they have any papers, and it turns out they’re a marijuana user,” said Sen. Michael Fair, Greenville. “I want to see a green card and here they’re whipping out a pack of Zig Zags.”

“The whole notion of ‘papers’ and written documentation is offensive to the many South Carolinians who can’t read,” said Sen. Jake Knotts, Lexington. “It’s an elitist form of communication. I think we should just tattoo checkmarks on the foreheads of legal citizens and X’s on non-citizens.”

Sen. Danny Verdin of Laurens defended the proposal against critics who said the measure would lead to racial profiling.

“Police aren’t going to be asking anybody to look sideways so they can see the profile of their face,” Verdin said. “We need to look ’em straight in the eye to tell if they’re Mexican.”

Sen. Phillip Shoopman of Greer said a simple identification by name could make it easier to distinguish who is legally in this country and who is not.

“If they got a ‘z’ in their name, they’re probably not supposed to be here,” he said. “Lopez, Hernandez, Sanchez, Zorro. It’s as simple as that.”

Some legislators also liked Arizona’s abolition of ethnic studies in its state-supported schools.

“Ethnic studies are just plain un-American,” said Sen. Larry Martin, Pickens. “The only proper instruction of this type would be how to make decent Chinese food. And you don’t need to know Mandarin to understand ‘number 47’.”

“Our citizens should be learning their moral codes, their principles and their ethnics at home, from their parents,” said Sen. Greg Rybert, Aiken. “Not from the state.”

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One Response to “Fake News: South Carolina considers immigration”

  1. fakename2 Says:

    I have to tell you, I really appreciate Arizona and South Carolina for their service to the rest of the nation. Think about it: when was the last time you thought about hanging chads?
    This year, the Florida legislature tried and failed for the second year in a row to pass legislation that would have allowed drilling off the Florida coast as close as three miles. That bill is now…and how often do you get a chance to say this…dead in the water.

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