Fake News: Voters seek change … again

Impatient with incumbents, sick of the status quo and bummed by business-as-usual, American voters went to the polls Tuesday in primary elections across the nation to deliver a tired old message: they want change — again.

As in the last 14 elections, voters spoke with a single voice, saying that politicians in Washington are too entrenched and need to be replaced with fresh blood, which in another two years will also become clotted and stale, poured into a biohazard bag and packed off for proper disposal.

In races from Kentucky to Pennsylvania to Arkansas, the consistent message was that the electorate is ready for more conservative policies, or more progressive policies, or both, or neither, or at least no more guys named Arlen.

“We are tired of the same old politics,” said Arch Begal, president of the nonpartisan Forgetful and Distracted Voters for Something. “Congress must act decisively to cut taxes, no, raise them; expand government programs, no, reel them in; and remember the average guy on Main Street, no, cater to the needs of business.”

Tuesday’s results showed that the same voters who overwhelmingly installed a new generation of leaders in 2008 had now become weary of them, and was ready for a fresh crop of politicians to become disenchanted with. Exit polls in several states indicated Americans of every political stripe showed up to cast their ballots to transform the political landscape, then forgot where they parked their cars.

“You know what would really be a change?” asked defeated congressman Mark Burns. “For these people to make up their goddam minds.”

Dissatisfaction with the direction the country is headed was reflected not only by the mood against incumbents, but was also seen in a number of ballot initiatives. Propositions to change the very fabric of everyday life passed by wide margins in state after state.

In Wyoming, a proposal requiring citizens to hop on one foot instead walking on two passed by a 56% to 44% margin.

“Conventional methods of locomotion just won’t work any more,” said organizer Drew Crawford. “The failed model of the left-right two-step is plainly outdated.”

In Ohio, a measure to change the standard touch-typing method to one in which elbows would be used instead of fingers passed by 13 points. Oklahoma voters approved a law requiring that breakfast foods be eaten for dinner, and that the name for “lunch” be changed to “Tonto”. In Oregon, citizens okayed an initiative to sleep during the day and stay awake all night.

Such was the depth of a desire for change that even common sense was tossed out the window in some locations. In Montana, drivers will now use the left-turn signal on their cars to indicate they are making a right turn, and vice versa.

“Every now and then, you just have to mix things up to make sure people are still paying attention,” said change proponent Dirk Harrell. “It’s time to toss logic and conventional wisdom out the window, and have change just for the sake of — hey, look, a squirrel!”

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2 Responses to “Fake News: Voters seek change … again”

  1. Ministry Fox Says:

    A witty critique of the alll-pervasive calls for change, which are deafeningly empty, and were just as evident in the recent British election.
    And change they did! Now, instead of the country being run by one private schoolboy, it will be run by two private school boys; or ‘public schoolboys’, as they say in Blighty, no doubt because someone somewhere said they should change the name.

  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    Pretty good impression of a Tea-Partier.

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