Fake News: It’s getting a little sticky in the Gulf

NEW ORLEANS (May 10) — Efforts to contain the Gulf of Mexico oil spill sputtered over the weekend when a four-story-tall casing failed to halt the emission of fluids from the bottom of the sea.  

“I told you that sheath wouldn’t work,” said the leaking seabed. “Why can’t we just do it naturally, and let my essence flow freely? I promise, you’re not going to get in trouble.”  

Ice-like crystals clogged the tip of the containment vessel, keeping the oil from being safely collected in a reservoir. Now, the sticky mess is continuing to foul much of the coastline near here.  

“My boys, they don’t like to be bottled up like that,” said the Gulf floor of the blockage that frustrated the effort. “They’re big and strong and they know what they want. They’re not stopping until they’re deep inside your ecosystem.”  

A spokeswoman for BP said the company had promised the site, referred to as the Macondo Prospect, that the satisfaction of deep-sea drilling would not be sacrificed with the installation of the 80-ton repository. Betty Emerson, Vice President for Emissions, Eruptions and Upsurges, said the containment vessel had been constructed with an especially thin type of concrete so that the gusher would hardly notice it. The surface was even ribbed, for her pleasure as well as for his.  

“We put it on lovingly, slowly, seductively,” Emerson said of the failed attempt Saturday night. “I could definitely tell that he liked what we were doing, but then things got all frigid and the box fell off, spilling stuff everywhere.”  

The seabed countered that BP was simply “teasing” it, and failed to demonstrate that the petroleum conglomerate was “truly in love” with the upwelling located some 50 miles off the coast.  

“Why don’t they trust me when I say I’m committed to a long-term relationship?” the Macondo Prospect asked. “I appreciate the attention she gave me while the vessel was being maneuvered into place, but it wouldn’t have hurt to do a little more. The mouth of the Mississippi is so close … ”  

“That’s gross and disgusting. I’m not doing that,” Emerson said in response. “We’re not that kind of company.”  

“So why did you use the cherry-flavored brand then?” countered the seabed.  

“Because it’s the only one that glowed in the dark,” Emerson said. “I don’t mind feeling around down there to find the right tools, but when the action picks up, I need to know what’s going where.”  

“Get out of my sight, you slut,” the prospect replied.  

The spent box had taken two weeks to build and three days to cart offshore to the site. Now it lies in a gutter about 400 feet from the well.  

Engineers are wondering what they might try next to stem the surge of gummy goo. They were wrestling with a shopping list of ways to plug the well or siphon off the spewing crude, including a smaller containment box, dubbed a “top hat.”  

“Did you say smaller?” the seabed asked, chuckling. “I really don’t think that’s going to work at all, if you catch my drift.”  

Another technique would use a remote-controlled robot to shoot mud and concrete directly into the well’s blown-out nozzle, while a method called the “junk shot” would inject debris including shredded rubber into the tube as a stopper.  

“Say what?” said the Macondo Prospect. “Let’s not get carried away here. I think we can be reasonable about this. Why don’t you just take your submarines and your steel claws and your ideas about ‘cutting pipe’ and leave me alone with a cheap laptop and a good Internet connection. Really, I can take care of myself.”  

Oh, baby...

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3 Responses to “Fake News: It’s getting a little sticky in the Gulf”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    In the interest of continuing this premise-

    They still haven’t employed the three words guaranteed since the dawn of time to bring any shenanigans to an immediate halt: “Honey, I’m home!”

  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    And another thing: Continuing Davis’ riff on sexually metaphorical language-

    When Davis was editor of the Florida Flambeau, he wrote an article previewing the plans to build the new state capitol building around the old one, using the phrase, “the phallic capitol building, nestled in the the rolling, vulvic hills of Tallahassee.”

    I’ve never forgotten that immortal phrase over the years, try as I might, and if you’ll pardon the pun-it really fits!

  3. fakename2 Says:

    The capitol…phallic? Just because it has the domed roofs of the Senate chamber on one side and the House chamber on the other, nestling at its base, so to speak…I’d like to meet that architect.

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