Fake News: BP blames babies in spill

NEW ORLEANS, La. (May 3) — BP executives announced yesterday that children as young as 6 months old were manning posts aboard the Deepwater Horizon offshore drilling rig that exploded April 20, resulting in the massive oil spill now fouling the Gulf coastline.

“We thought that’s what you meant by ‘drill, baby, drill,'” said Doug Suttles, chief operating officer of BP. “We thought you wanted infants to be handling the bulk of our energy exploration efforts. We were just trying to make everybody happy.”

Suttles said that almost 100 of the 126 individuals on board at the time of the explosion were under a year of age, with the rest of the work force being made up primarily of toddlers, tots and assorted pre-schoolers. Only the highest level of site management on board the rig were of school age, with the general manager being the most senior roughneck at age 12.

Speaking before a House committee investigating the unfolding disaster, Suttles said that most of the company’s veteran workers were put on leave earlier this year when calls to increase offshore drilling in the U.S. reached a fever pitch. He said that the manpower required to double production over the next ten years, as was demanded by the most fervent proponents of the drill-everywhere approach, would be beyond what the company could afford in labor costs. Since most children were willing to work for candy and cheap toys, they were hired and rapidly trained to replace the veterans.

“We were going to tell everybody really soon, I swear,” Suttles said. “We had a whole marketing campaign ready — ‘BP now stands for Baby Petroleum’. It’s just a tragic shame we won’t be able to go forward, because most of the ads were already shot.”

Scotty Hines, the highest-ranking official on the oil rig at the time of the blast, told representatives he at first thought the explosion was awesome, but later realized the magnitude of the disaster and followed all of the company’s written procedures for responding to such a catastrophic event.

“I went exactly by the book, primarily because I know how to read,” Hines said. “Those little ones just did whatever they felt like doing, rather than follow procedures. That’s why we had such a high loss of life and why the oil continues to stream into the Gulf.”

“What a bunch of babies,” he added.

Several of the surviving workers who were plucked from the sea following the blast met with reporters following Suttles’ testimony. While all of them said they supported the efforts of the company to contain the spill and compensate both the affected families and fishermen whose livelihood was endangered, many of them exhibited a fussiness that indicated frustration with the process.

“They’ve taken good care of us since the rescue boats brought us to shore,” said Jacob Littleton, age 18 months. “We had blankets to keep us warm and the Red Cross brought in a truckload of binkies, so that was a comfort. We’re just getting tired and hungry now, and want to see our mommies.”

“We’re just lucky that most of us avoided burns from the explosion,” said Ethan Farris, 2. “I’ve got a little boo-boo on my arm but I think it’ll be okay.”

Reporters said the tots looked absolutely darling in their little yellow slickers, tiny miner’s helmets and the cutest little boots you’ve ever seen.

“Are you a big boy going to work just like your daddy?” asked one reporter. “Are you? Are you?”

Joshua Anderson, age 9 months, simply shook his head at the question, then bawled uncontrollably.

"Production casing had just been run and we had cemented the Macondo well, but never set a plug to cap the bore," said little Aaron James, 9 months. "Abnormal pressure undoubtedly accumulated inside the marine riser, leading to a blowout, or 'big boom-boom', as we call it out on the rigs."

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3 Responses to “Fake News: BP blames babies in spill”

  1. fakename2 Says:

    “In our defense”, said Aaron, “that plug to cap the bore was missing from our Lego set. That ALWAYS happens.”

  2. thekingoftexas Says:

    I’ve been watching your blog for some time now and I believe I’ve figured it out. You have a string of professional writers, some of them two-fingered typists, working around the clock to create your postings on Word Press, probably in a large room with no dividers similar to an old-time newsroom, with upright Royal typewriters and reams of paper on every desk, with an Ivy League university educated journalist at each desk frenetically pounding on keys and space bars and frantically slapping the return handle for the next line, simultaneously flipping through and perusing rival daily newspapers and pertinent periodicals for suitable subjects for future filings, all the while looking over their shoulders for a fledging journalist, usually a girl, to enter the room, a room filled to the ceiling and corner to corner with the deafening sounds of clicking and clacking keys and space bars, sounds accompanied by the staccato pounding of copy-boys’ feet as they race around the room picking up finished copy to deliver to the copy editor for review, with the copy editor framed in the doorway of his office constantly haranguing them by shouting, “Come on, people, let’s move it, we go to press in one hour!” and the fledgling enters and trumps them with finished copy composed in perfect prose pertinent to the latest calamitous event, a story certain to be nominated for a Pulitzer prize, perfect copy completed in a dank basement storage room with no heat and little light, using a typewriter with the E key missing and the return handle broken. I cannot imagine any other system that could possibly explain the tremendous and tumultuous volume of words published on your blog.
    And to all of this I say, “Keep the pressure on ’em—they’re doing good work!”

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