Fake News: al-Qaida suspected in neighborhood rampage

ROCK HILL, S.C. (April 21) — Terrorism is suspected in a series of incidents in the small neighborhood of Shadowbrook Park after a night of horror that residents haven’t witnessed since the sewer backed up down by the creek.

At least twelve mailboxes were destroyed by baseball bats, three car windshields were damaged and the trees at one house were laced with toilet paper following a rampage that experts say has all the hallmarks of al-Qaida.

“It’s chilling to see the hand of bin Laden at work so close to home,” said the guy who always walks his dog right at 5 p.m. every day. “But we steadfastly refuse to let terrorism and fear rule our lives. The scheduled barbecue this Sunday in the cul-du-sac will proceed as planned.”

The guy said that security will be extra tight for the long-planned event. Weeds will removed from the base of the “Neighborhood Watch” sign, and the posting of a bright orange sign near the development’s entrance will stress that participants should bring a covered dish to the cookout, but to uncover it on arrival so it can be inspected.

Police believe the vandalism spree took place early Wednesday morning, some time after the newspaper delivery person makes his run through the 50-home neighborhood. Speculation was rampant among a group of mid-morning strollers that a cell of six to eight individuals entered the area through an overgrown culvert not far from the lighted “Welcome to Shadowbrook” sign.

“And we had such a good turnout two Saturdays ago to spruce up the median there with fresh pine straw,” lamented the pudgy woman with the big sunglasses. “Now the straw is overflowing into the street, probably from that windstorm last Thursday though possibly because foreign jihadists are trying to disrupt our way of life.”

“Islamo-fascist hate groups are well known to be stridently opposed to tidy landscaping,” added the taller woman who probably used to be hot but now wears mom jeans.

“There was a man with a beard in line at the Earth Fare the other day,” said the retired music professor who always has a visor on. “He was buying the Mediterranean salad, with olives and hummus and feta cheese. I wouldn’t put mailbox destruction past him for one minute.”

No one was hurt during the bender of senseless destruction, though the postal worker who stays dressed in his uniform to cut his grass every Friday said his wife felt her heart race briefly when she came upon their shattered mailbox.

“Does anybody know anyone who will sink a new post by our curb if I can find a woodworker to carve our street number into our new box?” cried the postman. “Anybody? Please, I beg you for help.”

The guy with the giant forehead and grey sweatpants suffered the worst loss in the attack. The remnants of at least six rolls of toilet paper still could be plainly seen throughout his oaks and elms, despite an afternoon-long work session by rescue workers.

“You can tell this was a highly-trained cadre looking to cause maximum destruction,” the man wrote in an email exchange with neighbors. “They used that Seventh Generation brand of recycled paper. It just turns to mush in a heavy dew.”

The only apparent witnesses to the attack were three high-school seniors who were smoking under a streetlight with some of their friends.

“I saw about four or five dudes with head scarves and backpacks. I’m pretty sure one of them was rockin’ an Ayman al-Zawahiri t-shirt,” said the kid with the backwards baseball cap who sold magazine subscriptions for his club that one summer. “I think another one was wearing a cherry bomb vest but it failed to detonate so he just smashed another windshield.”

Police said they would ask federal authorities to increase security in the area following the blitz. FBI spokesman Arnold Shumer from the regional office in Atlanta told reporters from CNN that “no, we’re not going to do that.”

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One Response to “Fake News: al-Qaida suspected in neighborhood rampage”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    I think your neighborhood should bring in ol’ what’s his name-“Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job” from FEMA. He’d know what to do. Until then-eternal vigilance, and “Loose lips sink ships” are the watchwords.

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