Fake News: Smaller nations to help with nonproliferation

WASHINGTON (April 14) — Representatives from 47 nations came to the U.S. capital this week to stay in a nice hotel, maybe enjoy a movie and a walk among the cherry blossoms, and agree to secure their nuclear materials from potential terrorists.

President Obama hosted a two-day summit of leaders from countries large and small, all of whom agreed to say whatever the president asked them to say, as long as the minibar was covered and they got a picture of themselves with the president.

“We must undertake a bold and pragmatic program to avoid drifting towards a catastrophe beyond comparison,” Obama told the conference.

“It made me glad I saved that watch with the glowing dial that my grandfather gave me,” said Hungary’s Jan Watislav. “I’m told it contained radium, so I got to come to the conference. I hereby vow that the watch will be put safely beneath my underwear in the bottom drawer of my dresser, guarded around the clock by my dog, Mr. Ruff-Ruff.”

Obama said he opened a “big tent” at the conference so that smaller nations and their stockpiles could be part of a worldwide effort to keep weapons out of the hands of rogue states, jihadists and criminal gangs. Even countries barely aware of the periodic table of elements were invited if they held any quantities of fissile material at all.

“We appreciated the cultural sensitivity of the big tent, but we actually preferred the Four Seasons,” said Egyptian foreign minister Abdul Gammal.

Though the effort was aimed primarily at reducing access to the two key materials required to make a bomb — plutonium and highly enriched uranium — other potentially dangerous components were also targeted.

Ukranian president Vasily Shalikashvili said a friend of his son’s had some Silly Putty that was starting to smell bad, and could possibly be converted into a weapon of mass destruction. Mexican foreign minister Hernando Suarez said he was on Nickelodeon’s “You Can’t Do That On Television” when he was a kid, and thought he still had the slime-encrusted shirt he wore. Another Central American representative admitted off the record that he thought his country had an old car battery out back that could be trouble.

Delegates who couldn’t confirm what their nations’ stockpiles might include still speculated they “might have some plutonium around here somewhere,” and committed to checking the pockets on their other pants when they got home.

Several innovative approaches to secure the materials were offered by members of the developing world. Colombia’s representative said his nation would remove the large flashing “FISSILE MATERIALS — DO NOT STEAL AND SELL TO AL-QAIDA” sign from their uranium cache and replace it with a more subtle “Cheerios” label. Ghana’s minister said he’d put weapons-grade radioactive materials in his locker at school, stressing it would be “placed behind the math book.” Canada’s senior officials said their stockpile would be given its own evening talk show on CNN, where no one would see it.

A few of those in attendance admitted they misunderstood the invitation. Macedonia’s prime minister said he read the part about “dangerous heavy metals” in the pre-conference materials and thought he’d be previewing the upcoming Megadeath tour, which ironically turned out to be sort of true. Belgium’s leading general said he thought geraniums were being discussed, not uranium.

Still, outside experts were optimistic about the conference outcome. Sam Nunn, the former senator who tutors Obama on proliferation issues, said he thought “we are now closer to cooperation than catastrophe.”

“As long as I’m closer to the elevator than I am to the ice machine, I’m fine with whatever,” said Tajikistan’s Oreck Muballah.

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One Response to “Fake News: Smaller nations to help with nonproliferation”

  1. Ministry Fox Says:

    We must all do our part to aid in non proliferation. I myself am drinking all kinds of poisons that might otherwise pollute the atmosphere.

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