Fake News: He can’t write that

Funny Blog Man was having trouble coming up with a tasteful topic for his Tuesday post.

He had prided himself for quite some time on not resorting to profanity or bad taste in his efforts to bring a smile to his readers. But last Wednesday he mentioned using a urinary emergency to get out of his performance review, and on Monday he had written about a giant colon. He was slipping fast as he considered Fake News stories for today’s edition.

He couldn’t write about his skewered take on American Idol:

HOLLYWOOD — “This,” said the spikey-haired goofball, pausing with mock dramatics to raiser viewers’ anticipation and/or allow them time to retrieve a soda from the refrigerator, “is American Idol.”

“I’m gathered here with this week’s bottom three, as determined by you the voting audience. Gov. John Connally of Texas, why do you think you should survive another week?”

“I thought my rendition of Shania Twain’s ‘Feel Like a Woman’ had a lot of heart.”

“And Vice President Lyndon Johnson, you think you should be allowed to live on into the next round?”

“I know my vocals were a bit off this week, but I think I can help carry the South for the Democrats in 1964.”

“President John F. Kennedy, you’ve been in the bottom three for two weeks in a row. Simon wasn’t crazy about your arrangement, but Ellen complimented you for taking on such a big bold song. Randy and Kara indicated pretty strongly in their comments that they thought you should be assassinated. What would you say in response?”

“I tried my best. Whatever happens, this has been a great experience for me, and I really appreciate the wonderful welcome I received from the people of Dallas.”

“Vice President Johnson, after the nationwide vote … you are safe. President John F. Kennedy, you are eliminated. Now, you have to sing for your life and hope that the Judges’ Save will keep you alive as a potential American Idol. What are you going to sing? Wait a minute, wait a minute … Guest judge Lee Harvey Oswald wants to make a comment here. Lee Harvey?”

He couldn’t write about the tragic air disaster in Russia:

MOSCOW — The cargo jet carrying the remains of Poland’s political and military elite, who were killed in a plane crash Saturday, flew into a cloud-shrouded mountain on its return to Warsaw yesterday. All aboard were killed or re-killed.

As recovery teams worked at the site to recover victims’ bodies, a helicopter carrying supplies to the location also crashed, as did two ambulances and a fire truck.

And he surely couldn’t sully the heart-warming, values-validating finish at this weekend’s Masters golf tournament:

AUGUSTA, Ga. — God Himself lifted family man Phil Mickelson to a three-shot victory in the Masters Sunday, leaving skirt-chaser Tiger Woods to whine about his putting game while Mickelson hugged his cancer-surviving wife and his two daughters looked on with tears in their eyes.

“Now does everyone believe that I’m all for the conservative, traditional white guys of the world?” God asked CBS Sports’ Jim Nance.

God said his earlier efforts to show the world who His favorites were have been overlooked by the majority of observers.

“Republicans like Mark Sanford, Sen. John Ensign and Sen. Larry Craig get into sex scandals, yet I deliver them unimpeached to serve out their terms and retire with dignity,” God told Nance. “But Democrats like John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer — I smite these guys, for their domestic policies are not worthy in My sight.”

“What did you think about those double eagles by Phil Saturday on 14 and 15?” Nance asked.

“And did you ever notice that good conservatives like Ronald Reagan, George Wallace and the Pope are shot and yet they survive,” said God, ignoring Nance’s question. “While men like Martin Luther King Jr., Robert F. Kennedy and John Lennon are killed. Do I have to spell it out for your people?”

No, he couldn’t write about any of those topics. Maybe he’d finally just have to skip a day.

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One Response to “Fake News: He can’t write that”

  1. Ministry Fox Says:

    Thank you for exercising such restraint

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