Can’t believe it’s Monday again

Watching coverage of the Masters golf tournament yesterday was greatly enhanced by the minimal number of commercials. The brevity of the interruptions was a nice contrast to the excruciating tedium of watching Ian Poulter stand over his putt for stretches of an hour or more.  

CBS explained at one point that sponsors, recognizing the magnitude of the event, had agreed to keep their advertising announcements down to a mere five minutes per hour. Similar corporate restraint has been shown for equally epic occasions in the past. I still remember our high school history teacher explaining how Ipana toothpaste’s exclusive sponsorship of World War II was handled with the utmost sensitivity and limited commercial interruption.  

In place of the standard 30-second spots, it appears advertisers were told they could have their company name and — at most, six or seven words — pronounced reverently and in a slight English accent while their logo was briefly superimposed over a fairway scene. So we heard the likes of “AT&T … Rethink Possible” and “IBM … Building a Smarter Planet” and “Exxon/Mobil … Taking on the World’s Energy Challenges”.  

If asked to boil down their corporate catchphrase to a select few words, I theorized how other companies might respond:  

Verizon … The Place For (dialtone)  

Blockbuster … Hey, Bob! We’ve Got a Customer!  

Blue Cross Blue Shield … Find Someone Who Cares  

McDonald’s … Would You Like Life With That?  

Microsoft … Whatever  

Consider Citibank … You Just Incurred a Service Charge  

Starbucks … Chances are Very Good We Got Your Order Right  

Seven Eleven … No Teeth Required  

General Motors … We Build ‘Em, You Ignore ‘Em  

Kroger … Clean-up on Aisle Eleven  

Walgreen’s … Purveyor of Fine Snuggies Since 2009  

Time Warner … Come Back — We Got Rid of AOL  

Dow Chemical … What’s That Smell?  

Lockheed Martin … C’mon. Let’s Have Another War.  

Motorola … Somehow, Not Yet Bankrupt  

ComcastHow Much for Showtime?   

+++  

We had a little dust-up at work recently that could only happen at a communications company.  

A display board that lists employee birthdays offered best wishes to “Alice W.” While workers are normally honored to be recognized by an inanimate slate of black felt and white lettering, Alice W. had an objection. As the only full-time Alice in the department, she didn’t appreciate the “W.” as a way to distinguish her from temporary Alice, who is only here for a few months.  

The One True Alice didn’t feel she should have to have a modifier. “I should be simply ‘Alice’ and temp Alice should be ‘Alice J.,” she complained.  

A meeting of top management quickly ensued, and a new policy was issued that, from now on, full first and last names would be displayed for everyone, and that “temp” would be added parenthetically to those who weren’t permanent workers.  

What wasn’t specified was how the lettering on the birthday cake should read, and whether we had to include full last names when singing the “Happy Birthday” song. Hopefully, clarification of the new policy on these points will be forthcoming.  

+++  

The first time I saw the term CHATROULETTE, it was all capitalized, and I couldn’t make it out as two merged words. It sounded to me like some kind of French cat sausage.  

+++  

You can always tell on TV or radio news that a public figure has died before they get to the “has died” part. There’s a certain respectful, slightly high-pitched tone to the newsperson’s voice during the initial part of the story where the recently deceased’s mini-biography is read.  

“Anatoly Dobrynin, Soviet ambassador to the United States for 24 years, and a tough yet affable diplomat who helped ease tensions during the Cold War era …”  

And then comes the verb that you know is inevitable.  

“… died yesterday.”  

Just once, I’d like to hear a happier ending to follow the obituary-style build-up:  

“John Forsythe, the debonair actor whose matinee-idol looks, confident charm and mellifluous voice helped make him the star of three hit television series, including ABC’s glamour soap ‘Dynasty,’ ate a half a dozen donuts yesterday at his home in Los Angeles.”  

“Malcolm McLaren, an impresario, recording artist and fashion designer who as manager of the Sex Pistols played a decisive role in creating the British punk movement, felt slightly ill for a while Saturday but, after lying down for a few minutes, was good as new and went to a movie.”  

+++  

Amateur sign-makers are notorious for mis-using quotemarks as a way to emphasize a certain word or phrase.  

Please put your name on bag or container or “everything” will be thrown away, reads the sign on the employee refrigerator at work. Of course they don’t really mean “everything” — which would include the shelving, the interior light, perhaps the entire appliance itself — and I guess that’s why it’s in quotes.  

All Easter candy is now “on sale“, they claim at the drug store. If you can consider stale Peeps an item that might be a good value at any price.  

I recently saw another set of inappropriate punctuation marks on the motorized shopping cart at the grocer. Out of order!! screamed the piece of cardboard, with a sense of urgency likely to upset sensitive handicapped customers.  

And don’t even think of asking us when it’s going to be fixed!!!  

+++  

Japanese carmakers have gotten really sensitive about potential flaws in their automobiles.  

My wife owns a Honda Fit that she’s crazy about and has never given her the least bit of trouble in five years of heavy use. She received a recall notice all the way from Japan the other day, notifying her of a defect in her power windows.  

Under the right (or wrong) circumstances, rainwater could possibly seep down through a rubber seal and could short out a motor which could cause her window to catch on fire.  

I’m not exactly sure how glass can be set ablaze, but I’d count a nation that survived two atomic bomb blasts to know what can and can’t catch on fire.  

+++  

“Coco” the Colossal Colon, a 40-foot-long, 4-foot-tall wrinkled pink large intestine, was on display at a local hospital this weekend.  

Designed to raise awareness of digestive health issues, the colon has openings at several points along its length, allowing viewers to see examples of colitis, colon cancer and hemorrhoids. To encourage youngsters to get an early start on taking care of their gastrointestinal tract, they can remove their shoes and crawl through the excretory piping.  

In the photo below, two moms stroke the colon — which never belonged to a particular human abdomen but is instead a replica — and admire its healthful hue.  

“This is one great looking colon, isn’t it?” said Allyson Garland, left.  

“I wish mine could give the kids as much enjoyment as they’re having here today,” said Karen Rickard, right.  

Moments after this photo was taken, several toddlers emerged from the rectum, squealing with delight.  

“The stuff of dreams,” sighed a family-centered gay friend of mine.  

Why does this end have to be "exit only"?

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3 Responses to “Can’t believe it’s Monday again”

  1. fakename2 Says:

    And as Andy Borowitz said about Toyota: Drive One. You’ll Never Stop.

  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    Vis-a-vis the caption on the photo of “Coco, the Colossal Colon” : “Why does this end have to be ‘exit only’?”

    Two reasons: a) The breath mints dispenser is located only at the designated exit, and b) the kids would not yet have taken off their shoes had they entered at the exit, thereby tracking dirt all over poor Coco.

    Use some common sense, Davis. I swear-it’s guys like you that are always trying to buck the system.

  3. fakename2 Says:

    No no no, Paul, I think you have that all wrong. It’s not the breath mints, it’s the hand sanitizer, although that’s required only for employees of the Colon.

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