Fake News: iPad rocks the world

NEW YORK (April 5) — Fans of Apple Computers really bit it big time over the weekend as they surged into stores to purchase over 300,000 iPads in the first two days the new device was released.

Skeptics had wondered what niche the slate-shaped computer would fill in a market already saturated with the slightly smaller iPhone and the slightly larger MacBook laptop. Turns out, the skeptics were idiots.

“The iPhone is for busy professionals on the go who need to keep in touch with their work while remaining mobile,” said industry analyst Richard Lotte with a straight face. “And the MacBook is for use when they’re actually in the office — like when they stop by for their weekly drug test.”

Lotte said the iPad is intended more as an entertainment device than its cousins, and is best used while slouching in an easy chair, lying flat on the couch, or passed out in a grassy field somewhere.

“The iPad is more for browsing the web, watching video or listening to music,” Lotte said. “By contrast, the iPhone is primarily being employed to listen to music, watch video and browse the web, while the MacBook’s strength is in watching video, listening to music and browsing the web.”

Even as crowds streamed into Apple retail outlets around the country, program developers were hard at work creating new applications that would capitalize on the elegance and power of the new machine.

“In the end, it’s the apps that will make or break the long-term success of this release,” Lotte said. “Hard-core Apple fans are already buzzing about several of these that are causing a lot of excitement.”

One of the programs, the MiniMe, features a shrink ray that will miniaturize users, import them onto the hard drive, and allow them to live out their lives as one with the computer. Another app makes it possible to download physical objects from the internet so that everything from shoes to fresh fish to small automobiles can materialize next to the user.

“We also see the so-called ‘killer apps’ being very popular,” Lotte said. “These allow iPad owners to ‘lend’ their machines to a hated associate, who will then be murdered by electrocution, gas, poison, or any number of methods available through the AppStore.”

“Especially cute is the one my daughter got,” he added. “There’s an animated Snow White character and if you double-pinch her, she turns into the Wicked Queen and produces a poison apple that will kill you right there.”

Also popular on the first weekend were a variety of peripheral devices, including a hinged screen cover that snaps onto the iPad and allows images to be projected onto its second angled surface while the user types on a keyboard displayed on the original screen.

“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” Lotte said. “Except it’s sort of like a traditional laptop.”

Another auxiliary not yet available but pre-ordered by many is the “iEniac,” a room-sized attachment featuring vacuum tubes, reel-to-reel tapes and retro analog dials and switches. Some of these packages even come with the “iWinnebago” motor home so they don’t hinder users’ mobility.

Yet another apparent success from Apple has rival project managers at Microsoft working to create a competitor. Early reports indicate they’re looking at a device — tentatively called the “WeBad” — which will tell time, do simple math calculations and make whirring sounds.

“The genius with this development is that, instead of going with the rectangular slate design, Microsoft is supposedly creating more of a disk,” Lotte said. “This will allow two users to ‘network’ together on various applications. One will push the ‘on’ button, then will ‘frisbee’ the machine across the room. When the other person catches it, he throws it back to the original user and, by that time, it should be working.”

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One Response to “Fake News: iPad rocks the world”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    Davis-You forgot to mention that if the WeBad disc fails to network properly, the generating WeBad will project a hologram of Bill Gates wearing a customer support badge and laughing hysterically. This feature will, of course, be inextricably bundled into the operating system free of charge.

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