Fake News: Obama messes with Republican heads

WASHINGTON (March 31) — President Obama’s surprise announcement yesterday that he endorses oil and natural gas drilling off parts of the U.S. coast drew stiff opposition from leading Republicans, who said the potential negative environmental impact outweighed any benefits.

Say what?

Obama said his plan would produce more domestic energy by opening up vast new fields in the Atlantic Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico and off the coast of Alaska.

“So … that would make us in favor of preserving marine life, beaches and coastal tourist economies who might be negatively impacted,” said House Republican leader John Boehner. “We have to vigorously oppose exploiting these resources just so the oil industry can make a short-term profit. Do I have that right?”

Boehner was assured by fellow GOP leaders that, yep, it appears they have to be on the correct side of an issue in order to continue their obstruction of all things Obamic.

“The rape of our seas by Big Oil and other multinational corporate interests must not be allowed,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. “I can’t believe I just said that, but apparently I did.”

The president indicated that he would continue to support a ban on development off the Northeast and Pacific coasts, since these were areas of the country more likely to vote for him. Only areas from Virginia south to Florida, into the Gulf as far as Alabama and Mississippi, and sites off Alaska would be placed at risk of environmental ruin.

“Face it, I’m not going to win any of those states in 2012 anyway,” the president said. “I don’t even care if they use derricks at these sites. We’ll just blow holes in the ocean floor and as the oil washes onto the shore it will soak into the feathers of sea birds, then we’ll put the birds in a giant blender to harvest the oil.”

“What is this, some kind of early April Fool’s joke?” asked GOP chairman Michael Steele. “Just in case it isn’t, I want to go on record as saying the Republican Party opposes oil spills and the unnecessary slaughter of wildlife. Also, let me point out that I think I’m going to throw up.”

Obama said he was reaching out to those who had opposed his previous energy and environmental policies, especially the so-called “Drill, Baby, Drill” element of the far right.

“In fact, let us take that philosophy to its logical conclusion,” Obama said in his proclamation. “We will draft babies to work in these new oil fields.”

Even conservative media pundits were forced to weigh in against the president’s announcement.

“I know I said that progressivism is a cancer on America, what with its child labor laws and such,” Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said. “But we can’t stand by while America’s infant population is virtually wiped out in what is obviously a very dangerous occupation. I guess we can’t, right? I’m so confused.”

UPDATE: Obama gives in to drilling critics

The White House announced late yesterday that it would listen to those who have come out so strongly against his proposals to allow new oil exploration, and would now support a total ban on any new drilling off the U.S. mainland.

“My head — it hurts,” said former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. “I think I need to lie down for a while.”

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2 Responses to “Fake News: Obama messes with Republican heads”

  1. bethsciallo Says:

    Slick. I like it!

  2. oscarstavern Says:

    You should have your own show!

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