Fake International News, from Afghanistan, Iraq and the Vatican

Obama touches down in Kabul

KABUL, Afghanistan (March 28) — President Obama’s visit Sunday to this war-torn nation was as brief as it was surprising, with Air Force One flying in just low enough for the commander-in-chief to get in a few moments with U.S. troops and Afghan officials.

During a quick meeting with Army forces at Bagram air base, the president was dangled out an open cargo door by Secret Service agents as his 747 flew low over the runway. His hand momentarily swiped the tarmac as he hung from his ankles, declaring “it’s good to be here on the ground at the front lines of America’s fight against terrorism” before being pulled back to safety. His plane then made a second similar pass, this time allowing the chief executive to “high-five” a squad of honor guards as he roared past at 250 m.p.h., injuring 12.

Then it was on to the presidential palace in downtown Kabul where the low-flying leader of the Free World toyed playfully with the scarf of President Hamid Karzai, yanking it from his neck and spinning him like a top as Obama jetted just above the rooftops. Karzai said he appreciated the vote of confidence from the American people, even though he thought he may have hurt his neck a little.

The presidential party then returned again for a final pass over the strife-torn nation, with Air Force One lowering its air-to-air refueling line and dousing the countryside with Gatorade, celebrating the civilized world’s imminent victory over the Taliban insurgents.

Church reveals punishment

THE VATICAN (March 29) — The Catholic Church continued to insist Monday that its leadership had acted appropriately in punishing priests who were accused of sexual misconduct with children while the Pope Benedict XVI was still a proto-pope.

Despite documents that seemed to indicate the accused offenders were merely re-assigned to new parishes, a spokesman for the pontiff insisted severe penalties were handed out by then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger.

“‘No TV For a Week’ read the subject line of one of the memos,” said Bishop Carlo Menotti. “That should tell you right there how seriously these charges were taken.”

Menotti said other punishments included restricting the priests to an all-host diet, removing their rights to sell confessional videotapes to TMZ, making them hold hot censers in their hands instead of swinging the ceremonial incense burners from a chain, and forcing them to “pray harder.” (That last mandate may have actually backfired as several of the rogue clergymen are known to have “preyed harder” on young boys following their hearings.)

The future pope was also reported to have warned the straying priests that instead of going to heaven in their next life that they’d only make it about halfway, to the asteroid known as “944 Hidalgo” just beyond Jupiter. Cardinal Ratzinger told them the distant body still contained celestial choirs and eternal bliss, but they’d also have to share the rocky planetoid with “icky girls.”

Democracy? Only kidding

BAGHDAD, Iraq (March 29) — Prime Minister Nuri al-Malaki, responding to results that showed his party slightly behind in a nationwide race for parliamentary seats, said yesterday he’s “beginning to think this whole democracy thing is a bit overrated.”

“Sure, it sounded good to the rest of the world that we were letting people vote,” Malaki said. “And all those peasants showing off their ink-stained fingers, they were really cute. But if free and fair elections are going to remove me from power — well, we just can’t have that.”

Malaki’s State of Law party had won only 89 seats in preliminary results while opponent Ayad Allawi’s Iraqiya party had 91. Malaki immediately took to the airwaves saying he would fight to hang onto his post.

“It’s often said that democratic institutions and sausage-making are very similar enterprises, but you have to remember we’re talking about Iraqi sausage here,” Malaki told a group of visiting diplomats. “It’s called ‘basturma’ and it consists of wind-dried camel, goat and water buffalo compressed under the saddle of a Turkic horseman riding through the steppes of Central Asia. These aren’t your polite caucus meetings in Iowa; this stuff is hard-core.”

Malaki was reminded by one envoy that the U.S. had expended billions of dollars and thousand of American lives to re-build his nation, but he countered “oh, I suppose you’re going to hold that over my head for the next five years. You people need to get over yourselves. You have to remember, we’re crazy over here.”

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