Fake News: Stupidity at home and abroad

Style is the key to Mideast peace

TEL AVIV, Israel (March 24) — After decades of conflict in the Mideast, most recently characterized by disputes surrounding expanded Israeli settlements in the Occupied Territories, a solution may be surfacing from an unlikely source — Home and Garden TV.

The cable network’s resident architect and home design expert Miles van de Choate says it’s the drab, post-modern styling of new houses being constructed on the West Bank that’s at the heart of Palestinian protests. A renewed cycle of building in east Jerusalem has led to increasing tensions between Israel and the U.S., in addition to bringing the region to the brink of a third Intifada.

“They’re boxy, boxy, boxy,” said van de Choate of the newest settlements. “There wouldn’t be any of that hideous Arab-Israeli violence if both sides had a greater appreciation of fashionable design. I think with a little panache in these new communities, everyone could forgive a half-century of animosity and war.”

Van de Choate suggested that greater use of Southwestern architectural techniques would work well in the parched lands near the Dead Sea where much of the conflict has taken place. Mostly ultra-Orthodox and right-wing Jews have greatly complicated peace efforts in the region by moving onto land that would otherwise be part of a two-state solution, but van de Choate claims that “smart, elegant homes will trump deeply rooted cultural hatred any day of the week.”

The stylist, host of HGTV’s From My House to Yours and Making the Most of Your Refugee Camp, said the clean lines, natural materials and rustic furnishings seen in traditional adobe structures in the American Southwest would cause “even the most bitter rock-throwing anti-Zionist to abandon his objections to expansion of the Jewish homeland into areas clearly off-limits under the 1979 Camp David accords.”

“Just imagine the feel of cool tiles beneath your feet during winter evenings wrapped in Navaho blankets by the fire,” van de Choate said. “It’s a vision of paradise to rival even the wildest dreams of a suicide bomber.”

Bart and his thick skull

WASHINGTON (March 23) — Congressman Bart Stupid (D-Mich.), whose weekend demand for an anti-abortion statement to accompany the healthcare reform bill, is said to be pleased with President Obama’s plan to issue an executive order reaffirming what everybody else already knows.

Stupid led a small group of pro-life Democrats to call for additional language against abortion besides a clear ban already in the bill, long-standing regulations in the Department of Health and Human Services, the Hyde Amendment banning federal funding of the controversial procedure, numerous state regulations, and a severe shortage of abortion of doctors nationwide.

“We just wanted to make absolutely, positively, absolutely sure that there are no pro-choice provisions in this or any other bill,” Stupid said. “We had the same language inserted into the bill bailing out Detroit automakers and in the funding of the troop surge in Afghanistan, so we thought it was needed here too.”

Despite decades-long support of women’s rights by the Supreme Court and widespread backing for choice in every opinion poll, Stupid said he’d continue his campaign to overturn any chance that abortion will finally be accepted by die-hard zealots. He’s sponsoring a bill currently making its way through committee that would outlaw all abortions for men “in case that Asian guy I saw on The Today Show who keeps getting pregnant ever decides against going to full-term delivery, however the hell that’s supposed to work.”

Stupid said he’d continue his fight to include anti-abortion language in every form of communication imaginable, including phone bills, automobile owners’ manuals, internal company e-mails, and Bazooka Joe bubble gum jokes.

“I wrote one of those last ones myself,” Stupid said. “Check it out: ‘Why did the little moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Because he didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills. Just say no to RU-486!'”

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One Response to “Fake News: Stupidity at home and abroad”

  1. fakename2 Says:

    I heard the President signed an executive order clarifying the veterinary care provisions of the bill. Is this true?

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