Fake News: Starbucks lands terror trial

WASHINGTON (March 10) — Department of Justice officials gave in to pressure yesterday against holding the 9/11 terror trials in New York, and decided instead to stage civilian prosecutions at a Starbucks in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

Khalid Sheik Mohammad, generally regarded as the mastermind of the 2001 attacks, and several other Guantanamo detainees will be brought to the U.S. to face numerous federal charges at the recently built coffeehouse about 80 miles north of Milwaukee.

“Oh, I’m sure we can handle it. I’m sure we can handle it,” said assistant manager Kristen Bowers. “We have a great crew here and we’re very, very energized about this. We’ll just move things around a little and there will be plenty of room, plenty of room.”

Local residents of this small town had mixed feelings about security concerns that al-Qaida would try to disrupt the trial with new attacks, though most were confident the staff could handle it.

“They let the workers have all the free coffee they want while they’re working, so I think the force of those vibrations and tremors will be enough to deter an attack,” said Shirley Eggers, a cashier at the nearby Culver’s restaurant. “You just walk in the door there and you can sense the high level of alert.”

Bowers said only a few minor changes would have to be made to turn the 1,400-square-foot shop into a courtroom that could accommodate a judge, jury, witnesses, the press, victims’ families and interested members of the public.

“We’ll just shift that instant coffee promotion into the back room, put a gavel on the checkerboard table, and slide the big comfy chair over there for the judge to use,” Bowers said. “The jury can sit on the couch, the families can have the chairs and reporters can stand against the wall. They won’t last longer than two hours at a stretch anyway, since that’s the limit we have on wireless usage.”

“And if the prosecution needs it for cross-examination, we can even convert the coffee-makers into boiling-hot water-boarding devices,” Bowers added.

Local franchise owner Frank Weiskopf also spoke up in favor of the plan, and guaranteed that the defendants would receive a fair trial.

“Between being Wisconsin natives and working at Starbucks, that staff is about is liberal as you can get,” Weiskopf said. “We’ll have those suspects exonerated, freed, and working in the local cheese museum before you can say ‘Green Bay Packers.’ Jihadists do like cheese, don’t they?”

Weiskopf noted that recently revised company rules which allow licensed gun owners to carry weapons into the chain’s cafes will also prevent any attack by sympathizers. In addition, an enforced lunch at the Culver’s to include butter burgers, fried curds and frozen custard will render the defendants mute and nearly motionless for much of the afternoon sessions.

“Plus, I’m sure we have some plastic knives around here somewhere,” said Bowers. “Those things have really nasty serrated edges. Or we could sharpen the ends of the wooden coffee stirrers to make cute little spears. Oh, I have so many ideas for this — it’s so exciting.”

Weiskopf acknowledged that with the eyes of the Arab world on Oshkosh, attempts at disruptions were likely, and that he would modify the drive-thru operation to accommodate the likely attackers.

“They can just roll up to the speakerbox, state the type of assault they have in mind, and we’ll be ready for them when they get to the window,” he said. “We’re very friendly here in Wisconsin, and will do everything in our power to make these visitors comfortable.”

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