Fake News: Democrats lose again

BAGHDAD (Mar. 7) — Democrats again faced widespread rejection at the ballot box over the weekend, as President Obama’s party failed to win a single seat in nationwide elections to Iraq’s parliament.

“I mean, c’mon,” said Democratic National Chairman Tim Kaine. “The president’s an Arab; the Iraqis are Arabs. What more do they want?”

It was the fourth set of mid-term results to go the wrong way for the majority party since dissatisfaction with Obama’s policies began to increase last summer. But earlier setbacks in Virginia, New Jersey and Massachusetts could be viewed as isolated events reflecting largely local issues. Results in Iraq, on the other hand, comprised a widespread rejection of the centrist agenda being pushed by the president.

In the liberal northeast of Iraq, where Democrats were given the best chance of holding onto legislative seats, several races were considered too close to call. Fox News is reporting however that exit polls show a majority of voters blew themselves up outside polling stations, indicating a preference for the home-grown candidates.

“We never should’ve run that Martha al-Coakley,” said one Democratic pollster. “Even with all the academics and so-called intelligentsia in this part of the country, you’d have to think putting a woman in the race in such a male-dominated culture was a bad idea. She couldn’t even spell ‘Iraq’ in her campaign literature. She spelled it ‘Irak’.”

Al-Coakley was beaten by an opponent who campaigned throughout the region in his pick-up truck on a theme of returning the parliamentary seat to “the people.”

“He had truck!” said voter Ahmin Malaka. “Not many people around here have truck. He let me ride in back. I vote for this man.”

In the conservative south and west of the nation, Democrats were being defeated by as much as a two-to-one margin. Most of the winning candidates were members of the largest opposition group, the Republicans Guard. There was also strong support for the Gulf Opposition Party (GOP), as well as a significant groundswell for the country’s growing “tea party movement.”

In the evening, most Iraqi families gather together for evening tea. No matter how busy the day, everyone sits in the living room waiting for tea. Iraqi tea isn’t simply a matter of tea cups and teabags. People drink tea with breakfast, they drink tea at midday, they drink tea in the evening. The color of the tea has to be just right — clear, yet strong — preferably a deep reddish-brown color. Also, if you don’t like their tea, they will kill you and your family.

International observers said the election appeared to be fair, with no one individual being able to vote more than ten times, since they had to dip their fingers in ink for each time they voted. Many voted only six or seven times, since that’s all the digits they had left after years of warfare throughout the region. One armless man had his head covered in purple dye, a testament to the vibrancy of this young democracy.

Traditional sectarian partitioning of the electorate seemed to be less of a factor in this election than in the last nationwide race in 2005. Kurds from the north, Shiite factions from the provinces around Baghdad, and the Sunni minorities all agreed that if Democrats couldn’t get their reforms through Congress, there was little chance they’d succeed in an environment like the Middle East, where tolerance and reason took a hike years ago.

“Their issues just didn’t resonate with us,” said political science professor Ammar al-Hakim of Fallujah State University (FSU). “What do we care about healthcare reform? In our society, injured or diseased body parts are simply removed until there’s not enough of the person left to complain about the high cost of treatment. We just want jobs. And more explosives — don’t forget the explosives.”

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One Response to “Fake News: Democrats lose again”

  1. Oscar Says:

    As always – you make me laugh!

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