Tilikum the whale crashes health care summit

WASHINGTON (Feb. 26) — President Obama’s health care policy summit was horrifyingly interrupted yesterday when Tilikum, the killer whale from Orlando’s Sea World, burst into the Blair House conference room and began thrashing participants mercilessly.

“Aarrrhhhhh,” said Sen. John Kyl (R-Ariz.). “I’m being bitten by a killer whale.”

What was to be an opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to hash out a compromise on the medical insurance crisis instead had suddenly become a scene of carnage with a vaguely fishy smell. The 12,000-pound orca broke through an unattended side entrance to the second-floor hall and began his reign of terror at what was now a bipartisan buffet.

“Please, no, no!” observed Senate majority leader Harry Reid. “My leg! My leg!”

President Obama was among the few attendees who were uninjured by the rampaging whale, who appeared surprisingly agile for a beast without feet. Obama ducked behind Vice President Joe Biden as the killer approached the two, and it appeared the whale wasn’t interested in the stringy, gamey second-in-command.

“Look at me! I’m too big to fail,” Tilikum was quoted by onlookers. “I am raining down some major predatory practices on your sorry asses! You want to deal only in talking points? Well, check out these teeth — is that enough of a point for you?”

It took almost 20 minutes before Secret Service officials and Washington police were able to end the onslaught. The whale was briefly cornered before slipping out a window and escaping down an alley.

Homeland Security officials were at a loss to explain how such a blatant lapse of security could occur with so many of the nation’s top executive and legislative leaders gathered in one place.

“We do have footage from cameras at the Orlando airport showing Tilikum going through security,” said Transportation Security Administration spokesperson Amy Wolfe. “His carry-on baggage was thoroughly searched and no weapons were found. We’re at a loss to explain how he could fly into Washington on a passenger airliner and then carry out such an audacious attack.”

The whale apparently took a cab from Reagan National Airport in D.C. directly to the building across the street from the White House where the meeting was taking place. His credentials went unchecked by officers who were screening guests in the lobby. One guard who spoke off the record said he thought the massive man-eater was a lobbyist for the insurance industry.

After the attack, which left three senators dead, seven congressmen injured and another nine thoroughly soaked by water emitted through the marine mammal’s blowhole, Tilikum was seen climbing aboard a Metro subway, then disappeared in rush hour crowds.

“I think we actually made some progress toward reaching agreement on key points in this critical debate,” Obama said at a news conference following the summit/slayfest. “Since two of the mortally injured were Republicans, we’re back to having a filibuster-proof Democratic majority that will finally make universal health care a reality in America.”

“You’re going to need some pretty good insurance after I’m through with my reign of terror,” Tilikum wrote on his blog before the attack Thursday.

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3 Responses to “Tilikum the whale crashes health care summit”

  1. tychy Says:

    those whales are not as stupid as they look, are they?

  2. fakename2 Says:

    I’m thinking Tilly was able to sneak past the Secret Service because he was wearing a really nice suit, with a beautiful woman hanging on his left flipper.

  3. S Fox Says:

    What the two parties really need is a common enemy, and this whale might just be the trigger to a whale war that will make health care for all a reality.
    Kill the whales!

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