Fake News: Terrorists, automakers do stuff

Bin Laden is going green

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (Feb. 2) — Osama bin Laden put himself on record this week as the “Green Terrorist.”

No, it’s not effects of the long-rumored kidney disease reportedly being suffered by the Al Qaeda leader. Instead, bin Laden made a statement Jan. 30 criticizing Western industrialized countries for being responsible for the global warming crisis.

“Talk about climate change is not an ideological luxury but a reality,” bin Laden wrote on Al Jazeera’s English-language website.

Sources say the terrorist leader has begun a campaign within his own ranks to emphasize this new theme of environmental awareness among Jihadi fighters. Blue recycling bins have been spotted outside caves in the Pakistan-Afghanistan border region. Old cell phones are being converted into improvised explosive devices (IEDs) and are being demolished throughout the Arab world. Discarded aluminum cans of Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew and, bin Laden’s personal favorite, Dr Pepper, are being collected by newly homeless tribesmen whose farms had been transformed into a war zone.

The Saudi madman has even begun an “eat local” initiative, following a December incident in which he was unable to get Domino’s to deliver its sensational new pizzas to his cavern in South Waziristan. In that incident, which ended in a prolonged firefight between guerrillas and combined special ops forces from the U.S. and Great Britain, not only was bin Laden’s home judged to be outside the delivery area, but the local franchisee refused his request for goat toppings.

“Our guy taking the order thought he said ‘goat droppings,'” said Domino’s manager Abdullah “Pete” Mutallab. “We figured it was just kids playing around on the phone.”

Islamic fanatics have even begun working with local schoolchildren to drive home the point that “together, we can save the planet.” Second-graders at Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri Elementary School recently showcased a project to use recyclable material in their artwork, with dryer lint collected from a nearby launderette being used to create beards in drawings the children made of their favorite extremists.

Even animal rights are being promoted by the now-environmentally-aware fighters. Sheep and camels are first being asked to give their permission before being ritually slaughtered. Most animals tend to agree to the request, in part because the word “mmeehh” means “go ahead” in the local Pushtan dialect.

Bin Laden also took the opportunity on Al Jazeera to praise the attempted Christmas Day bombing of an airliner near Detroit, saying that the “carbon footprint caused by modern-day jet travel was contributing to deterioration of the ozone layer,” and that’s the main reason he continues to try blowing planes out of the sky.

Speaking of Detroit …

DETROIT (Feb. 3) — General Motors announced a recall of 380,000 Chevrolets, Buicks and GMC Trucks yesterday for what officials described as “sudden, intentional acceleration” in several dozen documented cases where drivers actually arrived at their intended destinations promptly.

Reports have surfaced in the media that a significant percentage of motorists in GM vehicles experienced forward movement when pressing their foot to the gas pedal. A few have even told authorities that the cars were unexpectedly responsive and were actually able to achieve the posted speed limit within the first five minutes of operation.

“This is not what the public has come to anticipate in General Motors autos and light trucks,” said spokesman Allen Gibson. “It’s an issue that we will address immediately with this recall.”

Most owners of vehicles purchased from GM in recent years have developed a habit of parking their cars uphill of wherever they want to drive to the next day, and then roll toward their destination, stopping occasionally to push as needed. They’ve relied on sturdy braking systems and solid front bumpers that allow them to stop close to where they want to. Most are surprised, however, when they find that in addition to stopping, they can also go.

“Frankly, I thought that pedal was a foot rest,” said Missy Stevens, a LeSabre owner in Fond du Lac, Wisc. “I’ve counted on having that arch support after a long day on my feet. To have it cause my car to move forward down the street came as quite a surprise.”

Spokesman Gibson said GM was already at work retooling its manufacturing sites to prevent the problem recurring in future models. He said the so-called acceleration pedals will be removed entirely and replaced with a comfortable and stylish hassock.

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