Some questions for a Monday

I wonder, is there any connection between the fact that the nation’s leading sex addiction clinic is located in Mississippi, and that the state’s residents are among America’s ugliest citizens?

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Should I be concerned that the one word I overheard in passing our human resources representative’s conversation with another employee was “caliber”?

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Can you consider yourself a success in the art world if your drawing ends up in an Advil Sinus Formula TV commercial as an “artist’s depiction of nasal passage”?

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If I ever decide to open a hair-styling salon (admittedly an unlikely occurrence), I want to use a name as clever as all the “Hair We Are” establishments already out there. My business would be called “Turn Your Head and Coif”.

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When Brett Favre fills out his income tax return, do you think he writes “Viking” under occupation? If so, can he deduct the cost of pillaging supplies?

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The guy at the drive-thru in front of me at Taco Bell last night had his order come to $16.85. How is it even possible to spend that much at Taco Bell? Was he buying the whole franchise?

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How spoiled have I become when I walk 30 feet out of the way while exiting Target so that I can use the automatic door?

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Area squirrel hunters have petitioned the state wildlife commission not to move hunting season up by three weeks, because they’re concerned about orphaning the babies before they’re able to care for themselves. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some tiny shotguns?

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Thanks to all the readers who commented on my Friday post about that personal health problem that I would’ve been better off not mentioning. I especially want to thank former NASCAR driver Dick Trickle for his sympathetic observation. And to those who wrote with concerns that my regular Friday feature, the Website Review, had been discontinued, I want to say I appreciate your support and hope that the new Friday theme — a weekly report on which parts of my body are leaking — will be equally popular.    

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We just finished our annual employee survey at work. We were given ten days to answer 30 questions about how well the company was doing to provide a “positive work environment.” The multiple-choice questionnaire offered three types of answers: you could register your contentment at five different points between extremely satisfied and extremely dissatisfied; you could strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly disagree with a statement; and you could comment on the frequency of good behavior by your supervisor.    

It was this last series that I had the most trouble with. Continuously responding “sometimes” instead of “always,” “almost always” and “never” started sounding suspicious, like the answers a child might give about his abusive parents after being taken into protective services. “Is your supervisor accessible?” Sometimes. “Does your supervisor provide recognition?” Sometimes. “Does your supervisor administer policies fairly?” Sometimes.    

It was the final request that gave everyone the most pause: “Please feel free to provide any additional feedback in the space below.” It’s not really a question, so that immediately throws you off balance a little. I suppose you could respond “no” but doubt that would be any better than simply leaving it blank. The survey is anonymous, however they ask so many questions about how long you’ve been with the company, what department you’re in and what site you’re located at, that you know they could narrow it down if they wanted to.    

Do I want to honestly express my true concerns about certain aspects of the work that are less fulfilling than they should be? Will any suggestions be taken seriously, as an opportunity for the company to improve its performance? Is this where I mention that I don’t like it when my boss touches me?    

I’m going with the blank.    

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We recently had a new motion-sensing towel dispenser installed in the men’s room at work. The first few times I tried to use it, the paper was not coming out easily. I started experimenting to see what type of motion it preferred. I tried waving, rotating, seizing spastically, obscene-gesturing, wiggling and combing my hair, all of which worked sporadically at best.    

Finally, I tried being a little more friendly, offering a hand-shake. This showed promise, though the narrow surface of my extended palm felt insubstantial. At last, I settled on the fist-bump, which works perfectly.    

Detect this!

The card reader on the door that leads back into the office allows access only to those who have the properly badge. There’s a clip attached that lets you to hang the badge wherever you want, though the reader itself is located about belly high. There’s really not a good place to display it on your clothing, so I keep it stuffed in my shirt pocket.    

Consequently, I find myself offering a ceremonial Japanese bow whenever I want to enter the door. It might look silly but it feels very cosmopolitan.    

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Let me get this straight. Not only do I have to slave away at work each day advising investment bankers how to use the proper language to document their screwing of the American taxpayer… not only do I have to abide annoying coworkers who even now are talking about their daughter’s dance class… not only do I have to fill out surveys and fear HR gunmen and dance around in front of the paper towel dispenser. But also, in order to see how much I’ve been underpaid for these thankless tasks, I have to “remove side edges first, then fold, crease and tear this stub along perforation” to open my pay stub. Four specific verbs to open an envelope, performed in a specific order. So much work.

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The obituary section of the local paper allows the family of the deceased to choose which action verb best describes their loved one’s demise. Most choose “died” or “passed away,” simple and to the point. Some get a little creative (“sadly left us” or “joined the church eternal”) while others get a little crazy (“stepped over the narrow bridge we call death and landed safe in the arms of Jesus”).

When I pass, I want it said that “Davis used the restroom one last time, complained about Cavaliers’ turnovers in their game against the Lakers, turned the channel to MSNBC, and then was consumed by spontaneous combustion as he stepped into a hopeless, endless void.”

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Extracted from the interior of a "Deluxe McGriddle," this is supposedly an egg

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3 Responses to “Some questions for a Monday”

  1. nocturnalrudy Says:

    Turn your head and coif…awesome!

    Favre doesn’t have to pay for pillaging supplies because he gives them right back

    and picturing people leaning out their living room windows having a hattfield vs. mccoy shootout vs. tiny shotgun wielding squirrels is a nice thought…haha

    good blog.

  2. planetross Says:

    I like your questions the best.
    Your reasoning second.
    That picture the least.
    … I thought it was Mayor McCheese French Toast … or SpongeBob naked.

  3. S Fox Says:

    Ah yes, the epithet conundrum. Personally I’d prefer something shorter, like ‘not impressed’ or ‘wants his money back’; or perhaps something more scientific, like ‘ceased to replicate’ or ‘no longer turning matter into energy’.
    Loved the company feedback part. Its even more universal than death, it seems.

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