Fake News: Obama giving up?

WASHINGTON (Jan. 21) — President Obama marked his first full year in office yesterday with an acknowledgement to top aides that he has failed in his attempt to halt the universe’s continued tendency toward entropy.

Despite record popularity after his election and what was perceived as a broad-based mandate for change, the nation’s forty-forth chief executive privately admits that the universal trend from order to disorder reigns unchecked. This law of physics remains in place despite his ambitious personal agenda and filibuster-proof majorities in both the House and Senate.

“He realizes now he can only do so much,” said White House aide Arnold Woods. “A start toward economic recovery, a much-needed refocus on Afghanistan and progress toward healthcare reform are nothing compared the kind of change we really need. He tried but, eh, what’re you gonna do?”

Republican opponents of the president’s initiatives were quick to pounce on the disclosure as validation of their anti-everything stance.

“We already knew he had failed,” said GOP chairman Michael Steele. “Every time I drop a pen or spill a salad in my lap, I’m reminded that gravity’s tyranny over Americans of every stripe remains in place. If he can’t change the way stuff drops to the ground if not held in place, how can we expect him to succeed at anything?”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed.

“When I take off my sweater and get an electric shock from the static, I’m reminded again of this administration’s failure,” McConnell said. “Electromagnetism, centrifugal force, black holes, dark matter, you name it, and the president has come up short. My face is puffy with frustration.”

The victory of a Republican in Tuesday’s Massachusetts Senate race only reinforced the impression that this presidency has deteriorated into a sorry sack of solid human waste. The election of Scott Brown to fill the seat vacated by the late Sen. Edward Kennedy was widely seen as a death knell for healthcare reform, since Brown has said he’d provide a pivotal vote against the current bill.

Obama, speaking of the Massachusetts results before a town hall meeting in Canton, Ohio, seemed discouraged with the effect the election will likely have on the reform package now in conference committee.

“You know what?” the president asked, “the hell with all y’all.”

The vacuum created by the doom of healthcare reform will likely be filled by a new GOP proposal now beginning to emerge from the conservative Washington think tank known as Bend Over America.

The six-point plan awaiting final approval from lobbyists before its formal release to the public was leaked to the Associated Press over the weekend. Its major points for overhauling the way Americans use and pay for health care include:

• Suck it up

• Quit crying

• What are you, a baby?

• Put a band-aid on it

• I don’t want to hear your complaining

• Be a man (seriously, be a man, because we’re not covering obstetrical services for women)

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3 Responses to “Fake News: Obama giving up?”

  1. Rocky Humbert Says:

    The Entrophy Wife (not to be confused with The Trophy Wife) applauds the change in direction.

  2. fakename2 Says:

    I have to tell you that as a Democrat, I’m very disappointed in President Obama’s performance so far. One of my main issues is that the Leonid meteor shower is too late in the year (November) and too early in the morning (4:00 A.M.) It’s too cold in November and 4:00 A.M. is either too early or too late depending on how you look at it, and I look at it both ways. He hasn’t even addressed it! So much for hope and change.

  3. S Fox Says:

    Nevermind defying the laws of gravity and defeating entropy-when is he going to have my book published?!

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