Fake News Brief: North Korea is undecided

SEOUL, South Korea (Jan. 18) — North Korea announced yesterday that it will return to stalled international talks on its nuclear disarmament, then said no, probably not, after all; then said OK, we guess so; then said no way; then gave encouraging signs it was ready to negotiate.

The nation’s foreign ministry also repeated its call for a peace treaty to formally end the 1950-53 Korean War, wondering “what’s taking so long?” The spokesperson went on to stress that the conflict couldn’t officially end until the U.S. removed its forces from South Korea, but it might be okay if American troops simply all jumped in the air at the same time so they were no longer technically on the ground.

“We at least want to see sanctions ended immediately,” said Park Kim. “The Americans have no right to align the rest of the world against us. Alright, maybe they do. Whatever.”

The six-party talks — which include the two Koreas, the U.S., China, Japan and Russia — began in 2003 as an effort to convince Pyongyang to give up its nuclear program in return for aid and security guarantees. Discussions were halted in 2005 when tensions on the peninsula rose, resumed in 2006 for six months, stopped in early 2007 after a chief negotiator got a little stomach bug that kept him out of work, and then began again for about an hour and a half. The group broke for lunch that first day but failed to continue in the afternoon session when the North Koreans decided they’d rather hang out by the hotel pool.

Representatives from the communist north have made some tentative overtures to their long-time enemies in the south in recent months that were seen as a cause for hope the long conflict could be resolved. A joint factory complex near the demilitarized zone houses companies owned by the South Koreans and employing about 40,000 North Korean workers. The factories manufacture mostly rubber bands, yo-yo’s and boomerangs.

It was hoped the economic cooperation could lead to a long-term peace. However, relations were again strained when the North Koreans test-fired a ballistic missile over the Sea of Japan in 2009. Initial concerns about the launch in the West subsided when the rocket turned out to be attached to a long Slinky™, which yanked it back into northern airspace with a loud “sproing!”

The communist regime has long been regarded as unstable and unpredictable. The indecision of the rulers apparently goes as far back as the country’s founding shortly after World War II, when two rival factions couldn’t agree on a name for the newly built capital city.

“The story goes that one side wanted ‘Yong’ and one side wanted ‘Yang’,” said the State Department’s senior East Asian analyst Tony Kent. “They argued back and forth for hours, then one of the leading generals said he would resolve the difference in a few minutes but had to ‘pee first.’ When he returned, the group had already misinterpreted his parting words by compromising on ‘Pyongyang’.”

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One Response to “Fake News Brief: North Korea is undecided”

  1. planetross Says:

    hee hee!

    The world would be a better place if there were an East and West Korea as well … possibly.
    Unification would be so directionless.

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