Monday shorts

Memo to coworkers coming in from the company parking lot: Don’t tell me my tires “look a little flat” unless you plan on doing something about it.      

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The outdoor welcome sign at the Baptist church near my house, in an apparent attempt to appeal to teens, reads: “Hang out with Jesus — He hung out for you.” Is that how we’ve come to describe the Crucifixion now, as “hanging out”? I can hardly wait till the liturgical calendar gets around to the Ascension. Will the sign then read “Let’s get high”?      

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In the financial disclosure documents I edit at work, there’s frequent use of the term “bottom-up research”. This involves doing due diligence on a company that could be a target for acquisition, investigating its records starting from the very base of the organization. During a rewrite I saw recently, the term was changed to “bottoms-up research”. Maybe all that drinking going on in corporate boardrooms explains some of our current economic ills.      

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The scramble at TV networks’ sports divisions began in earnest this weekend to find programming to replace football. First up at NBC was the annual “World’s Strongest Man” competition, this year broadcasting from Malta. It was nice to see the sunny landscapes of the ancient Mediterranean seaport, but all these hulking behemoths kept getting in the way. I don’t know if there’s a world governing body for this “sport.” If there is, they need to get their act together and come up with events that aren’t so laughable.      

This year, in addition to the cannonball tote, the log lift and the always-exciting hernia production, there was the “car carry.” In this competition, the chassis is removed, the body of the vehicle is gutted and a strap is installed allowing the strongman to essentially wear what’s left from inside the car. It’s so heavy he can only take baby steps as he hauls the frame from start line to finish.      

His face and neck rapidly grow red with embarrassment at how much he looks like Fred Flintstone.      

Yabba-dabba-don't (try this at home)

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NEWS RELEASE FROM NBC UNIVERSAL — Andy Newman will be joining The Weather Channel (TWC) starting Jan. 15 as an on-air meteorologist.      

Newman, known previously as “Thunderclap” Newman, was the author of ground-breaking climate research in the late 1960s that determined conclusively there was “something in the air.” The “something” was initially identified as “a certain stickiness,” though later studies pinpointed it as humidity or water vapor.      

Newman will be the first of a group of singing forecasters coming to TWC in 2010. He joins a new breed of weatherpersons at the network who will have enough sense to come in out of the rain.      

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The “Sounds of the Season” music channel on our local cable provider finally stopped playing Christmas music over the weekend, and inexplicably began to play a nice mix of R&B. I hope that’s not their way of honoring next week’s Martin Luther King Day.      

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My cell phone got a wrong number text message last night asking “is dis ryan?” No, it’s not.      

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I want to thank loyal reader Anton for his comment “Добрый вечер! А можно ли ссылочками с вами обменяться?” I want to thank him, but I don’t know what it means. In any case, please keep the Cyrillic coming.     

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I got yelled at Saturday by the caretaker at the county recycling center for putting cardboard in the chipboard bin. Am I supposed to feel like an idiot? Sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about my pressed composite paper products.    

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Walking down the hall at the Y the other day, I nearly collided with an oncoming pedestrian coming around a blind corner. We both stopped just in time, and he offered a contrite “excuse me.”  

I countered with my all-purpose response for such a situation: “S’ryt.”  

Pronounced “s’ryt,” the word is a combination and contraction of the phrases “sorry” and “it’s alright,” and comes in very handy for situations where you’re not sure which end of an apology you’re supposed to be on.

Neither of us really did anything wrong. If anyone is to blame, it’s the Christian faith for establishing an exercise facility where young people can come together in fellowship and efforts to improve themselves, but neglecting to install yield signs. 

Nevertheless, social norms dictate that you’re supposed to verbally acknowledge each other in such a near-collision, so we did. I was proud of my nimble response, though next time maybe I should work on my physical agility instead.

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I wonder if any of those latter-day longhairs playing in the NFL use hair extensions to get that flowing-out-of-the-back-of-the-helmet look. 

There may be a few who do, though none quite to the effect of the lovely new hairstyle being sported by Kate Gosselin. Except perhaps for the dazzling number 11 on the Arizona Cardinals. I’m not sure of his name, but I know it starts with “Fitz-” and ends with “-ald.” 

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(GIRLFRIEND NEWS NETWORK) — Your girlfriend reports that she encountered a man yesterday who was counting to ten. 

The man was counting only whole numbers, she said, and was moving through the integers in numerical order. 

“He was reciting them in ascending order, beginning with the number one and ending with the number ten,” she reported. “He was saying them aloud as he went through each number, not just thinking of the number in his head.” 

The man was counting all of the numbers between one and ten, not just some of them, she stressed. 

“First he said ‘one,’ then he said ‘two,’ then he said ‘three,'” she asserted insistently. “He followed that with ‘four,’ ‘five’ and so on.” 

Following his pronouncement of “five,” he continued on with the next three numbers in the sequence before concluding his count. 

“He ended up with ‘nine’ and then he said ‘ten’, just like that,” she said. “Are you listening to me?” 

Yes, you acknowledge, the man had counted to ten. 

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With all this talk of he-men and football players and Kate Gosselin, I thought it might be appropriate to end with one more picture of a strong individual.

Imagine this guy trying to get through airport security

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2 Responses to “Monday shorts”

  1. feargy Says:

    Very very funny.

  2. planetross Says:

    You are wearing good Monday Shorts this week.

    Is there someone in the world that looks like the guy in the last picture? He must be from an asteroid … or eaten fasteroids … or something.

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