Fake News Briefs for the new year

You want the new Google phone

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (Jan. 6) — Google introduced a new cell phone Tuesday even though nobody asked for it.  

“Too bad,” said Google’s chief executive officer Eric Schmidt. “You’re getting one anyway.”  

The new device, called the NexusOne, doesn’t really do anything different than what’s currently on the market. Sure, it’s got a sleek design and there are all kinds of pretty pictures you can put on it. Still, it’s about time we got over fancy handhelds whose sole purpose seems to be making you feel like your current phone is inadequate.  

“You know, you didn’t ask for Gmail either, and look how that’s taken off,” Schmidt said. “We don’t want to hear any of your griping. Just buy the thing and everybody will be happy.”  

Schmidt discounted critics’ claims that the new phone is too big. He said a sturdy wheelbarrow, lawn cart or red wagon would be sufficient to carry the NexusOne with you.  

Huge new Google phone towers over frightened scientist

  

That was yesterday

An unidentified man reported to authorities Wednesday that all his troubles seemed so far away and yet, by Thursday, it looked as though those same troubles were there to stay.  

“He believed in yesterday,” police department spokesman Sgt. Raymond Vance told reporters at a morning press briefing.  

The man told police that, in a sudden and unexpected development, he was less than 50 percent of the man he used to be. He claimed there was a shadow hanging over him, and that Wednesday dawned on him more quickly than he had anticipated.  

“He told officers that a female acquaintance of his ‘had to go’, and he didn’t know why because she wouldn’t say,” Vance said. “He speculated that he had said something wrong, and now he wished he could go back in time to before the event occurred.”  

Vance said the man, described only as doe-eyed and shaggy yet obviously sincere, reported that love was “such an easy game to play,” but now he needed a place to hide away, presumably in case the acquaintance returns hoping to exact some sort of retribution.  

“He definitely believed in yesterday,” Vance said. “He repeated it several times before ending his written statement with a brief hum.”  

Conversation attempted, averted

Some people who are showing up at the gym for the first time in ages obviously don’t know you’re not supposed to talk to the person on the next treadmill over, and attempted to ask you how it was “going” as you began your workout yesterday.  

The individual in question was wearing khaki pants and street shoes, striding slowly on the moving belt as you approached the area. He smiled as he spoke, and obviously intended to follow the introductory question with additional conversation.  

“Doesn’t he know that we don’t do that here?” you asked yourself. “I can’t walk and run at the same time. This isn’t some chat room or something.”  

The potential exchange was quickly averted as you put your earbuds in and started listening to music. He soon turned to another person on his left and appeared to begin a discussion with him, probably regarding how cold it was outside. However, that’s not your problem.  

You continued your workout for another ten minutes or so before noticing that he was poking tentatively at the control panel, perhaps attempting to end his session. The huge red button reading “STOP” escaped his notice, though he eventually jabbed at a down arrow long enough to bring the machine to a halt.  

As he climbed down from the platform, he picked up the disinfectant bottle intended to wipe down the equipment, and sprayed it on himself.

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One Response to “Fake News Briefs for the new year”

  1. morethananelectrician Says:

    That phone should come with some wheels…like those shoes (Wheelies…I think) where the wheels come out of the bottom.

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