Fake News: Security experts turn to the wacky

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Jan. 4) — Humorists, comedians and jokesters from around the country are being called on by the Department of Homeland Security to offer suggestions on how to beef up inspections at international airports.    

Government officials are turning to the humor community in response to an attempted bombing by a Nigerian jihadist on Christmas Day. Previous contributions by the nation’s funnymen resulted in much of the current system, and it is thought a new round of outrageous ideas can further enhance the fight against terrorism.    

“Pat-down searches were first brought up as a joke. They called them ‘enhanced tickling techniques,'” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “The same is true of whole body imaging. I believe it was Carrot Top who said we should use ‘X-ray Spex,’ which is what gave us the idea for the current generation of scanners. We call on Mr. Top and others to give us some new ideas.”    

“America needs the help of its nutty and its kooky like never before,” Napolitano said.    

A website has been set up by the DHS for collection of the proposals. Access to ZaniesAgainstTerror.gov is open source, so that comics can feed off of each other’s krazy energy. Though the domain was only set up Friday, there’s already an impressive collection for officials at the Transportation Security Administration to consider.    

Among the ideas:    

• Require passengers to submit to exploratory surgery before their flight so that inspectors can search for contraband deep inside the body.    

• Have agents meet with travelers several weeks before their scheduled trips to establish long-term relationships that would hopefully reveal who’s a psycho and who’s not.    

• Put up a “no terrorists” sign at all checkpoints.    

• Medically induce coma in all passengers before boarding so they’ll hover near death for the entire flight.    

• Employ powerful vacuum hoses inserted into mouths to turn bodies inside out, allowing suspicious organ systems to be fully reviewed.    

• Require all flyers to swear on a stack of Bibles that they “promise on [most recently deceased] relative’s grave” that they won’t blow up anything.    

• Apply Roomba technology to terminal security sweeps, developing roving robots that would randomly confront travelers and keep butting against them until they admitted their conspiracy.    

• Mandate that persons stepping up to the scanners remove their shoes, then put their shoes onto their hands for the remainder of their time inside the security zone. (It’s thought that a lack of manual dexterity will inhibit on-board bomb construction).    

• Ban any flyer whose name contains the letters A, B, D, U and L. (This would have the added benefit of effectively removing Paula Abdul from the entertainment industry).    

• Demand that everyone urinate into a cup, not so much for purposes of drug-testing but to stimulate the onset of dehydration. On arrival at their destination, the dried husks of the passengers could be safely rehydrated.    

• Employ profilers to use techniques developed by the Israelis to determine psychological traits that may indicate potential fanatics. Anyone who is nervous, tired, disgusted, sleep-deprived, tense or uneasy can be identified in advance as someone who is thinking about flying on an airliner, or has recently flown on an airliner.    

Carrot Top is summoned again to help the nation


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2 Responses to “Fake News: Security experts turn to the wacky”

  1. S Fox Says:

    A series of excellent ideas! No doubt we shall soon loose you to the Office of Homeland Security.

  2. fakename2 Says:

    Andy Borowitz is already on top of this issue. He suggested that all terrorists be issued ID Cards in advance, then TSA could focus on the real danger: shampoo.

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