Fake News: Terrorist threat canned

DETROIT (Dec. 27) — An attorney for accused terrorist Umar Abdulmutallab has denied that her client’s pants being on fire was evidence that the Nigerian was a “liar liar” when he failed to tell security of his plans to blow up Flight 253 Christmas Day.

Public defender Miriam Siefer said Abdulmutallab was never asked by authorities if he intended to detonate an explosive device aboard the Amsterdam-to-Detroit flight on Friday. The 20-year-old student was overpowered by fellow passengers when fire erupted in his lap during the Delta jet’s final approach.

“We’re not saying he didn’t do anything,” Siefer told reporters. “We’re just saying that those who chant accusations of guilt in a sing-song manner have yet to fully review the evidence. Just because one’s trousers are ablaze doesn’t mean one has misled the authorities.”

Siefer said Abdulmutallab was “an innocent” who didn’t realize federal regulations prohibited in-flight destruction of a passenger airliner.

“Show us where it’s written on the ticket that you can’t do that,” Siefer said. “If it’s in there at all, I doubt it’s bigger than 7 point.”

Meanwhile, an al-Qaida website claimed responsibility for the attempted attack. In a post on imamblog.wordpress.com, a top official of the terrorist network said its operatives would “continue setting our junk on fire until the imperialist American presence in the Arab world is eliminated.”

“If the glorious martyr had not worn zippered pants with briefs, and instead wore the boxers and robe we specifically told him to wear, his crank would’ve properly exploded, raining death upon the land,” the statement said. “Regardless, his fiery tool has shown once again that we can strike any time, anywhere.”

Officials at the Department of Homeland Security continued to review how to tighten procedures so that last week’s incident would not be repeated. A new rule requiring passengers to remain seated during the last hour of international flights could make it harder for potential terrorists to assemble their bomb-making materials in airliner restrooms.

“We just have to make sure we don’t end up with a plane full of exploding bladders instead,” said transportation undersecretary Ronald Pierce. “Passengers who have been nursing cocktails since take-off in Europe have the potential capacity to bring down a 747.”

Pierce also said flight attendants would be instructed to watch for travelers who have covered their lower bodies with blankets and appear to be rubbing two sticks together underneath. Friction-sparked fires are possible in such a scenario, even though it’s just as likely other unseemly activities could be transpiring down there.

“Everyone needs to be vigilant to make sure we rub out this threat,” Pierce said.

The focus will continue to be the on-board toilets, however. A false alarm Sunday in which another Nigerian man was observed spending excessive time in the bathroom led a Delta flight crew to fear a second attack was being prepared. When the passenger did finally emerge after an air marshal repeatedly called to him, it was determined he was merely ill.

“Oh, yeah. You could tell right away he was sick,” said flight attendant Sandra Kirchner. “Everybody knew immediately as soon as he opened the door. Whew — I wish he had been making a bomb.”

Nigerian embassy officials in Washington cautioned against singling out its nationals just because of two incidents. The west African nation, one of the world’s leading oil exporters, is no more likely than other regions of the globe to have citizens who have to go to the bathroom, a spokesperson said.

“The oil, it has nothing to do with it,” said Akbar Amman. “It’s not making our gastrointestinal tract slipperier. It’s not like we are drinking the oil. We have the same rate of bathroom use as any country in the developing world. When you have got to go, you have got to go.”

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One Response to “Fake News: Terrorist threat canned”

  1. Watch Episode Says:

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