Holiday weekend leftovers

Tip to film producers: How about if we, as the movie-going public, assume that your production will star Robert Downey Jr. and Sandra Bullock, and you just tell us if that’s not the case. Just put “No Robert Downey Jr.” or “No Sandra Bullock” in the credits; otherwise, we’ll suppose they’re part of the cast.

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After listening to “Silent Night” for about the hundredth time over the holiday season, I began to think how awesome it would be to have “radiant beams from thy holy face.” The “holy” part doesn’t seem as critical, but having radiant beams emanating from your face (presuming they could knock bad guys to the ground or set them afire) would be a wonderful super-power.

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I tried to send the text message of “Merry Christmas” to a relative on Friday. Not only was that a big faux pas on a social level, it nearly led to a very significant misunderstanding. When I typed the first two letters into my ancient Razr phone, the auto-complete feature wanted to change my intended “Merry” to “Merely.” Once I corrected this and began typing the second word, the next suggestion was “Chronic” instead of “Christmas.” So my wishes for a joyous holiday season could have come out to be “Merely Chronic.” Even after I corrected the second error, and got as far as “Chri-“, my phone suggested “Christchurch” instead of “Christmas.” Are references to the second-largest city in New Zealand really more common the biggest holiday on the calendar?

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I know cats are supposed to be one of the cleanest creatures around, but surely people aren’t that far behind, are we? I hugged my sleeping cat the other day, and as soon as I let him go, he started licking all the human off his fur. Made me feel absolutely filthy. Tom, I’ve seen your cat box and, trust me, you have as many hygiene issues as I do.

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My wife and I donated blood on Saturday at a drive being sponsored by the local movie theater. As reward for our goodwill, we’ll each receive a free movie ticket. However, certain high-quality first-run showings currently in release are excluded from this offer, so I’m guessing there will either be Morgans or chipmunks in the film we see.

Incidentally, the email that reminded us of our blood drive sign-up included a Bing-created map with directions of how to get from the theater to the bloodmobile sitting in its parking lot. Apparently, you make a left turn out of the cineplex, walk 80 yards in a straight line, and you’re there. I did not realize that Web-based travel sites could be helpful on such a small scale. I’m going to try MapQuesting the way from my kitchen to my bathroom. Maybe there’s a shortcut I’m not aware of.

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I watched enough football games in the last few weeks to be severely disappointed that nobody gave me a new Lexus for Christmas.

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Probably the nicest Christmas gift I received was a handmade knitted piece from my wife that I can drape over my nightstand. It’s a beautifully woven work that she put a lot of time and effort into, and makes a wonderfully personalized present. Unfortunately, I didn’t know exactly what to call it when I described it to my mother during our Christmas phone call, and apparently “doily” is not the proper term (at least I didn’t use “placemat” or “coaster”). There’s apparently a thing known as the “dresser scarf” that “everybody” (except me and perhaps every other man on the planet) knows about. I stand humbled and corrected.

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I hate America. Not the nation, the seventies soft-rock band. I had forgotten how horrible their body of work was, remembering only vaguely the monotonic “Horse With No Name.”  Now, thanks to some random button-punching on my car radio yesterday,  I’ve been reminded of their 1971 hit “Sandman,” the lyrics of which still speak to us with poignancy almost 40 years after its release. “Funny, I’ve been there/And you’ve been here/And we ain’t had no time to drink that beer/Cause I understand you’ve been running from the man who goes by the name of the Sandman/He flies the sky like an eagle in the eye of a hurricane that’s abandoned.” So true.

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Actual “breaking news” headline crawl across the bottom of the screen from CNN the other day: “Dog Stuck in Hole.”

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The attack on the Pope during his Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve was invariably described in the press as a case of the pope being “knocked down.” Why was this the action verb of choice? It makes him sound like an inanimate object, like a mailbox or a fence. The poor pontiff was physically assaulted by a madwoman, for Christ’s sake (well, maybe not Christ’s, but whatever demon she answers to). I can’t wait to hear the formal charge authorities place against her. Probably “premeditated shoving.”

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It’s been great to read all the Ten Best and Ten Worst lists being published at the end of the decade. I would agree that “H” was the best consonant in the last ten years, but would argue strongly that “V” was far worse than the survey’s choice of “P” for the bottom letter. I don’t think there can be any doubt, however, that leading the top ten for best member of the popular country singing group Brooks and Dunn was Brooks, while Dunn definitely belongs in the bottom ten.

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I’m standing in the ten items or less line at Target on Saturday. The guy in front of me has only three items, yet one of them is a big-screen TV that he’s using some combination of gifts cards, debit cards, credit cards, cash, store credit and, apparently, shiny stones, to pay for. Doesn’t this violate the spirit of the express lane? Shouldn’t the physical mass of the objects being purchased count as much as the number of separate articles? I propose a “ten cubic meters or less” line so that volume can be given proper consideration. Also, a “two-bottles-of-soap-and-a-DVD” line, because that’s what I was buying.

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The winner of Friday’s contest to select my personalized Christmas card for next year was the photo of dead leaves in the gutter in front of my house. Thanks to all who voted.

 

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6 Responses to “Holiday weekend leftovers”

  1. writerdood Says:

    Loved the “Merely Chronic” message.

  2. Rocky Humbert Says:

    “My wife and I donated blood on Saturday at a drive being sponsored by the local movie theater. As reward for our goodwill, we’ll each receive a free movie ticket.”

    Good for you! Personally, I’d have skipped the Alvin & Chipmunks ticket, and taken a couple of extra cookies.

  3. Rocky Humbert Says:

    T.O.M. – It ends where it has always ended. In the bathroom.

  4. S Fox Says:

    Merely chronic … that just about sums up life really.

  5. 5 Finger Shoes Says:

    They have been hastily written off by the then emerging sports shoe industry. “Oh properly, it’s advantageous for these Africans,” was the undertone. They begin it from an early age and they’re used to it. Simply assume how much better they’d be in the event that they’d use our cool western high tech shoes. In actual fact, efforts were made to get elite African runners to endorse numerous brands.

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