Fake News Briefs (holiday edition): Death, disease and Hitler

Woman described as “chicken” dies

TOPEKA, Kansas (Dec. 21) — Jane Hampton, 57, beloved wife and mother, and a friend to nearly everyone she met, died Saturday after a less-than-courageous struggle against Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

Diagnosed with the fatal ailment almost a year ago, Jane did not fight tirelessly against the malady that would eventually claim her life. She pretty much knew there was no chance she would survive and she figured, why bother?

“We see so many patients who come through here battling with all their might to overcome their sickness. Jane was not one of these,” said Dr. Henry Emerson, chief of neurological disorders at Plains General Hospital. “She was scared to death. Well, not literally scared to death — that can be attributed to the spongiform encephalopathy that was eating her brain.”

“But I’ve rarely seen anyone who gave up so easily,” Emerson said. “What a chicken she was.”

Family members remember Jane reacting with dismay, then resignation when she learned she had what is commonly known as “mad cow disease.” When she found out that a new treatment regimen could prolong her life by as much as several years, she said there was no way she would allow herself to be poked with needles and given other types of aggressive care.

“I still remember the look in her eye when we spelled out her options,” said head nurse Ellen Jensen. “She told me in no uncertain terms, ‘No. Get away. That machine looks like it will hurt.’ They were just simple x-rays but she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, even though she was afraid of just about everything else.”

Vaccination fever spreading

ATLANTA (Dec. 21) — Widespread shortages in the swine flu vaccine reported earlier this year have apparently dissipated. Now, an excess of the medicine on the market is requiring health care professionals to get creative with ideas for how to dispense the drug to those not yet vaccinated.

The newest method of distribution is being seen at convenience stores. Vials of the H-1-N-1 vaccine are placed next to the take-one-give-one penny tray, with customers being encouraged to inject themselves as they pay for their gasoline, cigarettes and beer. It is hoped the similar rhyming meter of the two phrases will trigger a connection that encourages preventive care along with the attempt to reduce pocket change.

Some stores are also offering the medication as part of their fountain drink set-up. Capitalizing on the popularity of the self-serve “Big Gulp,” the Seven-Eleven chain is dispensing the anti-flu remedy through a drink nozzle. To eliminate the need for dangerous syringes in an area of the store so often inhabited by oafs and clods, specially hardened plastic straws will be made available for customers to jab themselves with.

Also joining in the effort to get most of the U.S. population inoculated by the first of the year are Subway sandwich shops and GameStop, a retailer of video games. Subway’s “sandwich artists” will have a vat of the serum positioned next to the vegetable toppings, so that patrons can have it sprinkled onto their orders along with lettuce and tomatoes. At GameStop, clerks will circle a phone number printed onto receipts and encourage people to respond to a customer service survey, noting that random callers will win an Xbox game version of the disease.

Perhaps the most innovative approach is being taken by the Harris-Teeter chain of grocery stores. As part of their “Very Important Customer” loyalty program, shoppers who spend a minimum of $50 per order for 12 consecutive weeks will win a free Easter ham that has been marinated in the flu vaccine. With a tag line of “When Swine Flew,” the campaign will borrow from the popular adage “when pigs fly” to encourage VIC customers to protect themselves and their families from the pandemic while “racking up savings that will make your wallet as fat as a hog.”

Hitler was mending his ways at war’s end

BERLIN (Dec. 20) — Newly uncovered documents at the German national museum reveal that World War II madman Adolf Hitler was just starting to turn his life around when he died in an underground bunker as Allied troops advanced on the city.

The Nazi murderer responsible for perhaps 30 million deaths during aggression on three continents had “come to see the negative impact his behavior was having on relatives, friends and co-workers” and had sought counseling to address his genocidal impulses. Only two months before the 1945 fall of the Third Reich, Hitler had embarked on a twelve-step program to curtail his more harmful urges.

“He was working his way down the list of people that he had wronged, trying to personally apologize to each and every one,” wrote Hermann Witzer, human resources manager of the Nazis’ Berlin office. “It really looked like he was headed in the right direction after so many years of difficulty. All of us had noticed a change in his manner.”

Several observers interviewed by Russian and American officers in the days following victory in Europe noted that “it was such a tragic shame” that he didn’t have time to show the world how his outlook on life had improved.

“We were starting to see a new Adolf, one who was more concerned with the feelings of others and less fixated on world domination,” said Witzer. “He had already been on probation twice so he knew we were watching him. He didn’t want to get written up again but, more importantly, I think, he wanted to improve himself for his own internal satisfaction.”

Hitler’s final desperate acts in April of that year — killing his dog and its puppies, then ordering mistress Eva Braun to take poison, and then shooting himself in the head — were “totally out of character with the person that he was rapidly becoming.”

“It’s so sad to see such backsliding,” Witzer told investigators. “There was such a potential there.”

Who's a good boy?

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5 Responses to “Fake News Briefs (holiday edition): Death, disease and Hitler”

  1. tychy Says:

    i salute your bravery in ridiculing a woman dying of cjd and defending hitler in a single post. this is worse (i.e. better) than south park!

  2. GoingLikeSixty Says:

    Nice job on the woman too chicken to fight her disease. I wish I would have written it.
    Can you write something up about the Hero that kept his driveway clear of snow for an entire weekend?

  3. morethananelectrician Says:

    I love the “human resources manager of the Nazis’ Berlin office” line.

    I don’t do enough to thank you for providing me with laughs during the day…

  4. bethsciallo Says:

    I like the swing you took at the pc jargon available for a madman’s “reform.” sharp writing.

    Davis – Merry Christmas! I hope you enjoy some spiral cut ham and ice tea 🙂 We’re buried in snow and the highland coos look like giant snowflakes gone wrong.

    Beth

  5. Ministry Fox Says:

    Wouldn’t it be funny to see Adolf on the Opera Whinefree show? If I had time I could write a skit, but alas it’s time to suff my gut with the in-laws

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