Fake News: Alternate Afghan plans offered

WASHINGTON (Dec. 9) — Opposition to President Obama’s plans to increase troop strength in Afghanistan by 30,000 soldiers continues, with madcap alternate plans coming from both the right and the left.

Republican leaders mainly seem to want a larger contingent deployed. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell proposed a surge of 70,000, while Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.) wants a million men, seven circus troupes, 18 chapters of the Red Hat Ladies, all former employees of Circuit City, and comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham to be shipped to the front.

“If we want to win this thing, we need a full-on commitment,” Graham said. “Also, I need to get rid of my annoying aunt and her red-hat friends always wanting tours of the Capitol.”

Some figures farther on the right are suggesting an even more extensive plan. Tea Party spokesman Mark Williams wants something of a three-way trade, with the entire population of Afghanistan being force-emigrated to Wales, a comparable number of Welsh citizens then shipped to the U.S., then about 28 million Americans sent to central Asia.

“I like Wales,” he said. “I like that dancing they do where you don’t move your arms, and I like Welch’s grape jelly. And I love the majestic way they breach the surface of the northern Pacific, forcing huge plumes out of their blowholes, and making that ‘eee-eee’ sound.”

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin revealed a plan that would involve 11,000 caribou, a beautifully embroidered Christmas pullover, her old Chrysler minivan and three dozen turkey sandwiches, but declined to release further details until the idea has been “fleshed-out” by advisors.

Meanwhile, liberals against the surge offered numerous suggestions, including cutting-and-running, separating-and-sprinting, exiting-and-jogging, as well as quitting-and-fleeing-and-pouting-and-then-feeling-guilty.

“It’s too hard,” said Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer of California. “I don’t want to nation-build any more. I think I hurt my finger.”

Others acknowledged that giving up on the Afghan people at this point in the eight-year conflict would be tantamount to recording an episode of “CSI: Miami” and then never watching it.

“You’d be reminded of a major foreign-policy failure every time you looked at your list,” said Wisconsin Rep. David Obey. “I hate that feeling.”

Retiring Connecticut Sen. Christopher Dodd said he could support a troop surge of “two guys, maybe three guys tops, but we’d have to get creative at the upper end of that range.”

“Maybe you send two additional infantrymen on a permanent basis, then put a new tank gunner in neighboring Turkmenistan and let him commute to work each morning,” Dodd proposed. “I hear Afghanistan has an excellent infrastructure of high-speed public transportation. It’s kind of like the bullet train but without an emphasis on the ‘train’ part.”

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One Response to “Fake News: Alternate Afghan plans offered”

  1. Jan Freeman Says:

    Great post.
    I was intrigued by the Nobel War Prize that Obama’s won – and rightly.
    Oh, I know the word ‘war’ wasn’t specifically indicated, but it is now a synonym for ‘peace’ I believe 🙂

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