My cats discuss current affairs, part two

This is the second part of a wide-ranging interview I had recently with my three cats. In Monday’s post, Harriet, Taylor and Tom gave us an overview of current news events as they saw them. Sometimes their focus was narrow, understandable from a creature that lives primarily to sleep and eat. Other times, they displayed a keen insight into the big picture, as if watching world events unfold from the top of a giant refrigerator, except without the cereal boxes getting in the way.

Today, we talk about their impressions of modern humanity as it’s displayed in popular culture.

Q: I was hoping to lighten things up a little for the second half of our interview. I want to discuss a few items in the lighter side of the news right now, and get your take. What do you think about the whole Tiger Woods story?

Tom: Well, we obviously have to stick with our fellow feline on this question. We totally understand the whole issue of “tom-catting.” Or at least we would if we hadn’t been surgically maimed.

Taylor: You’re absolutely right, Tom. Humans think they’re so much better at controlling their baser instincts than we are, yet in reality they’re just hypocrites. You can’t blame the guy for turning down opportunities if they present themselves.

Harriet: Is that really how you guys feel? I’m outraged! Women of all species are tired of being victimized by immature males who can’t keep it in their pants, or their fur, or whatever the case may be. The man has a wife and family who have been humiliated by his lack of control. And now the mother-in-law is all upset too.

Tom: Oh, boo-hoo. I can’t believe they brought the mother-in-law in on this. As if Tiger didn’t have enough problems.

Taylor: I think we cats have it right by not recognizing relatives or spouses at all. A mother will protect her kittens for maybe six or seven weeks, and then it’s like — who the hell are these guys? Get out of here.

Tom: Taylor and I are probably brothers, for example,  yet we’d just as soon kill each other as we would send a birthday card.

Harriet: And I could be your mother-in-law.

Tom: If we recognized any type of law, that is.

Tom: The concept of “law” is beneath us

Q: Let’s turn to show biz for a few minutes, if you don’t mind. What was your takeaway on that Adam Lambert controversy, where he kissed his male guitarist and then simulated a sex act on television?

Taylor: It’s okay with me, but I wouldn’t do it on the television. There’s not enough room to get a good angle on each other on top of these new flat screens.

Harriet: Just another sign of the degradation of your culture. I’ve never worn any kind of make-up at all, including eyeliner, and I’m a female.

Tom: Considering that cats lick even casual acquaintances, you can imagine we’re pretty blasé about the whole thing. What offends me about the guy is his attempt to carry a tune while wearing that much hair gel. It’s distracting — I see those pointy things on top of his head and I think he’s a cat.

Q: Are you guys familiar with Oprah Winfrey? What do you think about her show ending?

Harriet: She’s been a giant in the self-help field. People hardly even knew how put one foot in front of another before she came along.

Tom: You know how well I respond to someone telling me what to do. You can imagine what I’d feel about somebody doing that who doesn’t even feed me.

Taylor: As someone “of color” who knows about all the obstacles we face, it’s great to see a strong black woman getting such success.

Tom: What do you mean, “of color”? You’re grey.

Taylor: I’m a very dark grey, and I have felt subtle bigotry from the white community. And the tabby community, I might add.

Tom: Hey, we Tabbo-Americans have our issues too, you know. It’s not easy being orange-and-white-striped.

Harriet: As someone who is mostly white with black splotches, I personally would like to paint some white splotches on Oprah. Maybe she’ll do a show on that before she leaves.

Harriet: Oprah would look good with white splotches

Q: Okay, we seem to be wandering off topic a bit. It’s right what they say about how hard it is to herd cats, I guess.

Harriet, Tom and Taylor (in unison): That’s prejudiced!

Q: Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I wanted to ask you about the Kennedy Center honors the other night. The president recognized Mel Brooks, Robert DeNiro, Dave Brubeck, Bruce Springsteen, and some opera lady nobody heard of. Do you feel like these are worthy honorees?

Tom: Never heard of any of them.

Harriet: Actually, Grace Bumbry, the “opera lady,” is the only one I even like. Her rendition of the “Vail Song” from Verdi’s Don Carlo is exquisite. She’s the only mezzo-soprano I can name who sounds like a cat with its tail stepped on. And I mean that as the highest compliment.

Taylor: Bruuuuuuuce! And, I might add, Daaaaaave!

Q: I’m going to start wrapping up with a couple of recent and fairly random cultural references, and you just chime in if you have any comment. The proposed excise tax on elective cosmetic surgery…

Tom: I’m against it. I was thinking of getting a fur tuck, and I’m already afraid I won’t be able to afford it.

Taylor: If you’re talking about the bulge that flaps back and forth on your belly when I chase you down the hall, it’s called a “wattle” and it’s fat, not fur.

Harriet: I’d like to have my legs removed and then reattached backwards, just for the hell of it. I wouldn’t expect the government to subsidize that but I’d hate to be penalized, either.

Q: That video on YouTube showing the groom who updated his Facebook status during his wedding…

Taylor: I saw that. It was hilarious for about two seconds, and then really awkward after that.

Tom: Social networking has gotten completely out of control. You can read more about my thoughts on my blog,

Harriet: I’m into tweeting myself. I keep thinking it has something to do with attracting birds.

Q: Speaking of birds, how about that new birding app for the iPhone?

Harriet: Sounds like it would be really worthwhile, that is if I had $19.99. Or an iPhone. Or thumbs.

Tom: I’ve found claws to be an excellent replacement for the opposable thumb. I can snag chicken skin right out of the garbage disposal.

Taylor: I don’t think chickens count as birds, at least for bird-watching purposes.

Q: The college football bowl match-ups…

Tom: I like Texas winning a close one over Alabama, and then one of the mid-majors, TCU or Boise State, sneaking into the top spot in the final poll.

Harriet: I’m looking forward to that Rutgers versus Central Florida contest. So I can take a nap.

Taylor: The only game I’ll probably watch is Florida, just to see Tim Tebow cry.

Taylor: Bowl games tend to be boring

Q: Okay, I think we’re just about done here. Is everybody looking forward to Christmas?

Harriet: Definitely! I love to see the whole family gather around the dinner table to eat the Christmas tree.

Taylor: We celebrate the birth of our Cat Saviour in a much more respectful manner that humans and their commercialism. We watch Garfield cartoons all day.

Tom: Well, I’ve only been here for three Christmases but I really enjoy this particular human custom. The warmth of the fireplace, the holiday carols, the excitement in the eyes of a young child, these are all things I’ve heard that most families enjoy. You guys, however, will doubtless go to a movie (I’d recommend “Up in the Air” starring George Clooney) and eat Chinese food, which means we’ll have the house all to ourselves for hours at a time.

Harriet: I got first dibs vomiting on the kitchen floor!


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One Response to “My cats discuss current affairs, part two”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    I printed this out for my cats, but one of them just sat on it and the other tried to grab it from my hand. I guess this means that 50% of my cat population liked it.


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