Fake News: Salon powers Giants to victory

ROANOKE, Va. (Dec. 7) — Workers and patrons at the local Great Clips hair salon took mostly credit for the outcome of the weekend’s NFL games, though a few admitted they could’ve done more to lead their favorite teams to victory.

“We really gave it to those Cowboys,” said Giants fan and stylist Amanda Bell, who repeatedly used the collective pronoun to describe action that took place hundreds of miles away from where she lay sleeping in her apartment Sunday afternoon. “That’s twice we beat them this year. Now, I think we have a really good chance in the playoffs.”

Customer Clayton Withers expressed similar satisfaction with a job well done in the Philadelphia Eagles’ rout of the Atlanta Falcons.

“I’m so proud of our guys,” Withers noted while having about a half inch taken off the top and the sides cleaned up. “We even had a chance to use Michael Vick in his old hometown. I really wanted to shake his hand and give him a pat on the back in the locker room after the game.”

Withers couldn’t fulfill his desire to encourage his perceived teammate, however, since he was “drunk as I’ve ever been” after watching the game in an Avendale sports bar.

When pressed, Bell also admitted her actions had little to do with New York’s victory over their traditional Eastern Division rival. She is not currently on the payroll of the team nor does she play any voluntary role within the organization, and has never even been to a football game at Giants Stadium or anywhere else for that matter.

“True, I don’t know that much about how football is played, so any homeruns I might’ve hit or strategy I might’ve suggested to the managers didn’t actually exist in reality,” Bell said. “But my sister lives in Jersey and I once spent a summer in the Tri-State area, so I feel like the Giants are my team.”

Withers said “his boys” on the Eagles are a “big part of my aspirations for success and a better life” and that it was only a slight stretch to talk about their exploits on the field as something “we” did.

“I root real hard and try to focus all my mental energy on certain key plays,” he said. “When David Akers attempted that second-quarter field goal, I kept yelling ‘get left, get left’ as it sailed toward the goalposts, and sure enough it curved back through the uprights. I feel I had a little to do with that play.”

Told that no, he didn’t, Withers said, “just wait till you see what we do to Amanda’s Giants next week.” Stylist Bell responded that “we’ll be ready for you, I’ll tell you that much,” then accidentally on purpose nicked his right ear.

Others in the salon Monday were disappointed with their efforts to claim a part in the outcome of contests in Week 13 of the NFL schedule.

“I can’t believe how bad we stunk,” said Jasmine Wood, the lady who says “welcome to Great Clips” and asks for your phone number when you walk in the door. A supporter of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Wood said “we just couldn’t get the ground game going, then we had some defensive lapses” in the defending Super Bowl champions’ surprising loss to Oakland.

Wood admitted that she didn’t watch the game live but did “pour my heart” into a tape-delayed viewing later that evening.

“It doesn’t make a loss like that any easier for us to take, even when you can skip through the commercials,” Wood said. “We should’ve been more prepared for the Raiders. I blame [head coach] Mike Tomlin, and I blame myself, for not watching the game live.”

When informed that her lack of positive influence on the outcome had little to do with when she watched and more to do with the fact that, as a middle-aged woman weighing 120 pounds, she couldn’t possibly have physically participated, Wood became defensive — unlike her make-believe teammates, who gave up 396 total net yards to the pathetic Raiders.

“Have you been here before?” she asked with an arched eyebrow. “What was that telephone number again?”


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One Response to “Fake News: Salon powers Giants to victory”

  1. planetross Says:

    I have a friend who seems to be apart of the Vancouver Canucks. I like to think he’s using the royal “We”, but I really think that he thinks that he is on the team.

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