Fake News from Around the Office

He’s a nice guy, but a Nazi

THE BREAKROOM (Nov. 2) — It seems the nice, friendly guy from Purchasing you’ve been having lunch with, talking sports with and commiserating with over the weekend’s yard chores, turns out to be pretty much a Nazi.

“My wife made me this deli sandwich,” he observed during your shared mid-day meal yesterday. “Too bad the Jews have ruined sliced meats with all that Kosher business.”

Everett Jenkins, a six-year employee with the company who always seemed like a regular guy, then went on to observe that you at least had to admire Hitler’s efficiency, that the Monday night game between the Saints and the Patriots was a real snoozer, and that the German-speaking peoples of the Sudetenland deserved to be a part of the Third Reich.

“And don’t get me started on the bad rap that eugenics has gotten and how the master race has allowed itself to be mongrelized,” he continued. “So, are we still on for that 2 p.m. staff meeting, you think?”

Previous discussions with Jenkins had always centered on non-controversial issues like the weather, traffic, the best route to the beach, and what an idiot that new assistant vice president was. The closest you came to a political discussion with him was shortly after President Obama was elected, when he observed that “at least he’s different from all the other guys that’ve been in there.”

Now you’re not sure what to think of the co-worker. You always thought he had a great sense of humor and a realistic take on internal office politics that helped influence some of your career decisions, but since it’s become apparent he’s a right-wing fanatic with a penchant for genocide, you should probably keep your distance and start eating lunch in your car.

Everybody’s really sorry

THE THIRD FLOOR (Nov. 1) — Confusion over how to make a particular edit to a word processing file caused Sue, who attempted to make the change, to be extremely sorry to have misinterpreted the instructions, and made Barbara, who caught the error,  equally sorry to ask for the rework.

“I thought that one squiggly word was ‘elephant,’ but I should’ve known it was ‘element,'” Sue told Barbara. “I don’t know where my mind is today. I am so very sorry to have messed that up.”

“No, no, that’s OK,” responded Barbara. “You could definitely have read it that way. You didn’t really do anything wrong. I’m sorry to ask you to do it over.”

“Oh, that’s quite alright,” continued Sue. “I’m just sorry you had to send it back.”

“Don’t be sorry,” said Barbara. “I can see how you read it that way. I’m sorry my original handwriting wasn’t clearer — that was completely my fault.”

Observers of the conversation in nearby cubicles all agreed that both parties involved in the mid-morning incident were sorry. Real sorry.

You must be going insane

BUILDING C (Nov.2) — You know for a fact that you held down the Control key, then hit the letter “C”, and yet still the highlighted paragraph you wanted to move to another location failed to copy.

“I hate that,” you muttered to yourself. “This happens at least five or six times during the day, and every time it makes you think you’re going crazy.”

Whether it’s some kind of keyboard malfunction or, more likely, yet another sign that Microsoft knows it doesn’t have any competition so why worry about making users feel they’re losing their minds, it’s still annoying.

“It’s not just copy management functions using the Control or the Alt keys, it’s even simple clicks on a radio button,” you continue. “I see the cursor clearly sitting on the ‘OK’ and I depress the left clicker, and still nothing happens. Then you do it again and everything works fine.”

Even when the mouse isn’t involved, you find that the keyboard itself is sometimes not responsive for several moments at a time. You depress the “Page Up” button and nothing happens, then you depress it again and it works.

“There’s probably gunk inside the keyboard that’s fouling the contacts,” you think to yourself. “But I’m not about to take it apart and clean it. That’s too disgusting.”

The last time you did that, there were sesame seeds, bread crumbs, fingernails and enough dried-up bits of human flesh to make a whole toe. They don’t pay you enough to handle potentially hazardous waste like that.


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