Fake News: It’s like hysteria reigns

WASHINGTON (Nov. 9) — Following House Minority Leader John Boehner’s comment last week that health care reform was “the greatest threat to freedom” he’s seen, other opponents of the plan are stepping forward with hyperbolic metaphors that characterize portions of the plan in similarly apocalyptic terms.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) called the provision that creates a so-called “public option” offering insurance that competes with the private sector “worse than if the sun were suddenly extinguished.”

“Health insurance needs private companies in much the same way that plants need sunlight to create food for themselves, which in turn creates food for us all,” McConnell said. “The end of nuclear fusion on our closest star would mean death to every living creature. I wouldn’t vote for that and I won’t vote for this healthcare reform plan.”

Rep. Walt Minnick (D-Idaho) targeted the part of the bill that would set up health insurance exchanges where consumers can easily compare rates and coverage. He said such a marketplace would be “like taking all the puppies in the world and all the lions in the world, and putting them together in one big cage.”

“You can just imagine what would become of those cute little puppies,” Minnick said. “They would be mauled beyond recognition, becoming a giant pile of puppy remains. A forum offering a free flow of information about coverage options would be like the Wild West, except without the beautiful and rugged landscapes.”

GOP Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R.-Ind.) said a mandate that would require nearly everyone to have health insurance by 2013 reminded him of “what it would be like if Hitler hosted a reality TV show along the lines of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ except with history’s worst dictators playing the part of the experienced dance partners.”

“It would be absolute chaos combined with unprecedented tyranny,” Pence said. “If American citizens, represented by a Daniel Baldwin, for example, are required to choose between an Ivan the Terrible or a Genghis Khan or a Pol Pot, that’s not really a choice at all. Mandates simply will not work — not for waltzing with a despot, and not for being required to purchase insurance.”

Asked to explain how mandating car insurance but not health insurance made any kind of sense, Pence said that in a world that had been taken over by gorillas with giant fangs and where people suddenly sprouted two additional but non-functioning heads — one on each side of their existing head — common sense would go out the window.

Other comparisons being put out as talking points by the anti-reform FreedomWorks lobby include:

• A requirement that health plans allow children to remain on their parents’ insurance plan until age 27 was “like Judas betraying Christ and then posting a picture from His high school yearbook on Jesus’ Facebook page. Totally not cool.”

• Federal financial help for low-income consumers to purchase insurance is “like a trillion gazillion hydrogen bombs all going off at once.”

• A stipulation barring insurers from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions is “like trying to do your federal tax return with your right hand while writing a Christmas letter to relatives with your left hand at the same time, and you’re wearing pants that are three sizes too small and your glasses are fogged up and you’ve got swine flu.”

• A ban on lifetime limits imposed on insurance coverage would be “as if giant aliens — creatures so big that each one’s eyeball alone is three times as big as the Earth — treated our planet like a shotgun pellet and blasted it over a cliff and into the Grand Canyon.”

• The proviso that imposes a 5.4 percent surcharge on people earning over a half-million dollars a year is “like having a hangnail on your toe, then stubbing that same toe, then tripping and falling and breaking your foot, then having gangrene set in causing your leg to be amputated, then having the whole bottom half of your body cut off, like one of those people you see riding around on a plywood board with wheels at the homeless shelter. And then, on top of that, your insurance carrier says having no bottom half of your body is a pre-existing condition.”

Proponents of the reform plan approved by the House over the weekend said they couldn’t understand why such a high level of hysteria had emerged among those opposed to long-needed improvements to the current system.

“It’s like a group of ideologues who care more about their bizarre political philosophy than they do about the well-being of the public have hijacked this debate,” said one of the president’s advisors.


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3 Responses to “Fake News: It’s like hysteria reigns”

  1. fakename2 Says:

    I was okay with healthcare reform until we got to the part about the aliens with the giant eyeballs. I thought Dick Cheney had them under control. Now I’m scared.

  2. lookingforbeauty Says:

    I’m sorry. This can’t be for real.
    Those aren’t real quotes are they?
    I can’t believe anyone would be so gullible as to entertain them. Especially, no one would want to entertain the eye-ball monster that could toss the whole earth into the Grand Canyon which is much smaller than the earth.
    There’s a heavy dose of creativity and non-logic at work here.

    But I had a good laugh.

  3. fakename2 Says:

    Now I’m really, really scared. Not only are there aliens with giant eyeballs that Dick Cheney doesn’t have under control, but they are illogical.

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