Fake international briefs: European edition

Scientology: C’est hilarant!

PARIS (Nov. 3) — French authorities defended a weekend court ruling that convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it almost $1 million, claiming that the faith’s basic tenets were “simply way too hilarious” to merit official recognition as a religion.

A Paris judge stopped short of an outright ban on the group’s activities. The church, which has attracted celebrity adherents such as Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, has a long and controversial history in Europe, with many claiming it should instead be considered a business, although a really, really funny one.

“The French have a proud heritage of appreciating the absurd, going back to playwrights such as Camus and Beckett,” said ministry of culture spokesperson Philippe Tardieu. “But seriously, you can appreciate the randomness of existence and the ridiculousness of the human condition without building a religion around it.”

Scientology preaches that the “thetan,” the equivalent of a spirit, can be cleared of negative energy from this and previous lives through a process called auditing. With the aid of auditors, followers seek a state called “clear” and then advance through various levels of the “operating thetan.”

“Stop it, you’re killing me,” Tardieu said. “I’ve got you on speakerphone here, and this whole office is just falling out. Quit, please.”

The minister noted that his countrymen appreciated contributions to their flourishing comic scene from such well-regarded Americans as Jerry Lewis, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Memphis Grizzlies reserve guard Allen Iverson. But he insisted that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard was more pretentious than ludicrous, citing his use of an initial to replace his first name. He maintained that “if Hubbard was all that great, how come he’s not immortal, like the splendid Mr. Lewis? Huh?”

Tardieu also challenged the church’s concept of auditing, citing the French-born firm of Deloitte and Touche as recognized experts in the field. He admitted that accounting and similar assessments of financial records could on occasion be preposterous, though they too lacked concepts such as sin and redemption through a merciful God, so they’re not a religion either.

“When Tom Cruise shows up to tell us how wrong we are about all this, I’ll simply quote the master French mime Marcel Marceau,” Tardieu said. “He told us ‘                                           ‘. Tom would be wise to model such wisdom.”

3G use getting heavy

BRUSSELS, Belgium (Nov. 4) — Communications experts have reported that the number of Europeans with 3G coverage now exceeds that of the United States, with as many as 70 million people on the continent living in areas where gravity has become three times as strong as normal.

Large portions of Western Europe as well as many nations of the former Eastern Bloc are now affected by the tripled gravitational pull that has taken the region by storm over the last year. The heightened force field has made economic recovery from the global recession considerably more difficult for a sluggish citizenry that even at its most vibrant could barely make it through an eight-hour workday without a wine-soaked lunch.

With many people now carrying as much as 500 pounds on their frames, large portions of the populace can only hoist themselves out of bed with the assistance of a system of pulleys.

It was originally hoped that the advance of 3G technology would herald a new era of productivity. After zero gravity was first explored during the space programs of the 1960s, most of the developed world spent the next three decades pulling a single “G”. Americans pioneered an increase in mass to as much as double their normal weight, but that had less to do with wireless data capabilities and more to do with poor eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle. Now, much of Europe is following the same path, or at least having their servants put them in a wagon or shopping cart and wheeling them on that course.

Experts say that 4G penetration in England, France and Germany will grow by more than 60% by 2010, at which point rising seas will consume subscribers in low-lying coastal areas. Wireless customers further inland will likely compress the ground under their feet to the point where seismic activity opens huge fissures across the picturesque countryside, swallowing millions in fiery death.


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2 Responses to “Fake international briefs: European edition”

  1. Phillip Donnelly Says:

    I must admit I haven’t really followed the whole Scientology debacle, in spite of my current address, and my contempt of religion in general; and the grating debasement of the word science.
    I haven’t really been following much lately, to be honest. Even your holy blog is rarely visited. I must atone for these sins… but not tonight, not tonight.

  2. cbullitt Says:

    Swallowing millions of EUrotards in fiery death? I’m all for that. Can I get the cable rights?

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