Fake News: Something overshoots something else

I don’t want to, but federal regulations require me to write a satire of the recent news story about a Delta Airlines jet over-shooting its planned Minneapolis landing by 150 miles. The Humorists, Satirists, Comedians and Wiseguys Media Responsibility Act of 2008 states that I and every other humor writer must make up a story about the two pilots who were either falling asleep, playing laptop solitaire or engaged in a shouting match at 30,000 feet over the Midwest when, oops, wasn’t that our exit?

Because my heart’s not really in it, I threw together three different variations in hopes that one will fulfill my obligations and keep me out of Supermax. Take your pick.

Cruise ship overshoots port

MIAMI — A luxury cruise ship captain accidentally overshot the Port of Miami this weekend, travelling six miles up a canal and another 35 miles into the Everglades before realizing his error.

Capt. Arnold Shores was returning Royal Caribbean’s Hippopotamus of the Seas from a week-long tour of the West Indies when he was apparently distracted by a passing clump of seaweed, or it might’ve been a mermaid or mer-man. It wasn’t until he plowed a mammoth gash through the sawgrass west of the Miami International Airport that he realized he missed the dock.

“A lot of the passengers on deck thought it was a little unusual that we’d see automobile traffic on the high seas right next to us, but we just figured it was going to be one of the excursions,” said passenger Steve Nichols. “Our dining room table-mates then saw a couple of alligators and wanted to know if we could eat them.”

The giant ship appeared to be permanently lodged in the shallow waters, though most of the passengers insisted they were staying aboard at least through tonight’s Tropical Trivia Challenge in the pool bar. The captain, who several witnesses said appeared intoxicated, hopped aboard a passing airboat, commenting “let Flipper finish this stupid cruise.”

‘Balloon Dad’ overshoots media

DENVER — The unlikely story of “Balloon Boy” Falcon Heene continued to unravel yesterday, and it now appears the six-year-old parachuted out of the metallic flying saucer shortly after take-off. The helium-filled airship then overshot its planned landing at the high school down the street, veering off course for 70 miles before coming to rest in a cornfield.

“After his chute deployed, he apparently landed on the roof of his garage, magically transformed the chute into a pile of leaves, then scrambled into the attic where he hid from his parents,” said Sheriff James Alderden. “At least that’s what they’re telling me today, and I have no reason to doubt their story.”

Father Richard Heene had attempted to launch the family’s career in a new TV reality series with the publicity stunt, but underestimated the national clamor it would cause. What was planned to be a feel-good feature on local stations in the Denver area instead became a sensation that may result in charges against the Colorado space cadet.

“Admittedly, I may have aimed a little high in trying to get media coverage,” Heene said. “But when you’re competing against that ‘drunkest-man-in-the-world’ guy trying to buy beer at the Circle K and every piano-playing cat east of the Rockies, you have to think big.”

Obama administration overshoots recovery

WASHINGTON — President Obama’s economic recovery plan now looks like it has significantly overshot its goal, with the latest gross domestic product figures showing that every single American is now fabulously wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

The stimulus package that passed Congress earlier this year and other efforts to repair the burst mortgage bubble turned out to be so successful that millions of citizens have had their natural teeth extracted and replaced with diamonds. McDonald’s is updating its famous Egg McMuffin with the “Egg McMahon,” a robotic sidekick featuring Canadian bacon, a slice of American cheese, and a mechanical head that will chuckle at your every joke. Toilet paper has largely been replaced with a thin gold foil.

“Yes, we wanted economic conditions to improve and Americans to get back to full employment but frankly, this is ridiculous,” said top economic advisor Lawrence Summers. “I mean, somebody has to be poor and struggling desperately to get by, or else how will the rest of us be able to appreciate our wealth?”

Expensive homes financed by subprime mortgages that only last month were termed “underwater” because their value had fallen so drastically are now actually floating about ten feet in the air, kept aloft by powerful wind machines homeowners are spending their bonuses on. What had been a bleak unemployment picture has evaporated, with many workers now holding as many as five or six jobs. Even family pets are reporting six-figure salaries that include stock options, travel on corporate aircraft and country club memberships.

“Here, have a hundred-dollar bill,” Summers told reporters at a White House press conference. “Take several if you want.”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

One Response to “Fake News: Something overshoots something else”

  1. morethananelectrician Says:

    This was really funny…even if I knew where the story was going after I read the headline…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: