Fake News Briefs: Nobel, Miley and flash mobs

Nobel efforts paying off

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (Oct. 12) — The final awards in the 2009 Nobel Prize competition are expected early Tuesday, wrapping up a surprising season that saw President Barack Obama given the Peace Prize late last week.

The Sweden-based selection committee, which announced the last major winner Monday in the economics category, will finish this year’s proclamations with several minor citations being added for the first time.

Prizes are expected to be awarded for transmission repair, punctuation, competitive eating, listening skills, parallel parking, credit score, TV meteorology, passing defense, sexual healing, teeth whitening and fashion. Critics have complained that these less-important categories diminish the seriousness of awards in physics, chemistry, medicine and literature, but committee spokesperson Ingmar Torvaldssen disagreed.

“Have you ever tried to get reliable transmission repair at an affordable price?” Torvaldssen asked. “I need someone who will Keep My Car — √ — Road Ready.”

Following that comment, insiders believed that Mr. Transmission, a Midwest repair franchise with over 150 locations, may have the inside track for one of the $1.2 million awards. Favorites in some of the other categories include the late William Safire, Coney Island hotdog-eating champion Kobayashi, Dr. Phil, Kansas City’s own Stormy Rains, the Denver Broncos and the late Marvin Gaye.

For some reason, President Obama is also being mentioned as a possibility for a second award this year.

Miley to go fluid-free

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Oct. 11) — Following her surprise announcement over the weekend that she was quitting Twitter, teen singing sensation Miley Cyrus has reportedly confirmed that she will also stop ingesting water or liquids of any kind.

“Too much of my life was being taken up drinking water, tea and soda,” Cyrus told friends. “There are more important things to be done in this world. Things like shriveling up and eventually being hospitalized with dehydration.”

Cyrus has said she’ll continue to eat food, including fruits and vegetables typically rich in water content. These are expected to allow her to survive at least several days beyond the typical 48 hours it takes for someone to lapse into a coma. She has said she’ll use that extra time to record two more albums and star in three movies.

Cyrus, who rose to fame playing Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel series of the same name, is predicted to become as dry as a fallen autumn leaf by the coming weekend, at which point she will be raked to the curb and sucked up by a municipal vacuum truck.

Flash mob hits small town

ROCK HILL, S.C. (Oct. 12) — The first-ever flash mob to assemble in this small South Carolina town was an apparent hit with onlookers yesterday who were dumbfounded by the event held at a popular eatery here.

At precisely 5 p.m. Monday, an assembly of mostly elderly people appeared at the entrance to the Golden Corral buffet. When the country-style restaurant opened its doors, the group lined up at the cashier station, paid $7.95 each for the Columbus Day special (or an extra 85 cents if they wanted sweet tea), then paraded through the cafeteria line piling meats, potatoes, breads and vegetables onto their plates.

“We were flabbergasted about what was going on,” said assistant manager Kelly Farrell. “When a crowd like that appears out of nowhere, then everyone does exactly the same thing at the same time, it really blows your mind.”

Many of the mob participants had arrived together on a bus from the Westminster Retirement Village. All of them seemed to enjoy the event, a phenomenon popular since 2004 among social-networking young people in big cities around the country.

“I always get a double order of the squash casserole when we come on a Monday,” chuckled Harriet Thomson, an 81-year-old resident of the home. “That really seems to freak out the servers.”

Some of the mobbers seemed unaware of the cutting-edge nature of their gathering, telling observers they were “just hungry” or “felt like getting out.”

“Flash mob? I don’t know what you’re talking about, young man,” commented Tommy Bailey, 91. “I don’t think I like the tone of your question. We won’t be ‘flashing’ anything, I can assure you that. And to call a nice group of folks like this a ‘mob’ … I don’t know. Can you get me a refill on this coffee, or will that be extra?”

Restaurant manager Don Taylor didn’t arrive on the scene until shortly after the group had re-assembled as one near the exit, with each of the women taking a mint from a candy bowl and each of the men putting a toothpick into their mouths.

“I’m told they all did the same thing as if exactly on cue,” Taylor said. “We were completely amazed when that many people showed up to eat at our restaurant. They played a great joke on us. But I think they’ll find in about an hour that it’s we who will have messed with them when that food flashes right through them.”

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2 Responses to “Fake News Briefs: Nobel, Miley and flash mobs”

  1. mrsbear0309 Says:

    I loved this fake news post, particularly the second one, since I’m still wondering why exactly Miley’s non-twittering can make the actual news… Thanks for the laugh this morning and thanks for stopping by as well. 🙂

  2. liberrydwarf Says:

    Miley – we can only hope…

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