I’d like to apologize…

I’d like to offer the sincerest and most humble apologies for my behavior. To anyone who was offended, I can only say that I honestly regret what happened, and I can assure you it will never happen again. I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank my family and my friends for their support during this very trying period.

I’d like to do these things — primarily because it seems like apology is all the rage and everybody’s doing it — but I can’t. The problem is that I haven’t done anything wrong, at least anything that anybody has heard about. And for that, I offer my heartfelt regrets.

Everywhere you turn these days, somebody is apologizing. If it’s not David Letterman, it’s Kanye West. If it’s not Gov. Mark Sanford tearfully telling a press conference how sorry he is that he got caught in an affair with an Argentinean woman, it’s President Obama regretting his comments on the Cambridge arrest of a Harvard professor. What a sorry bunch.

Congress is especially good at issuing apologies. When not acting as a collective body and being repentant for things like slavery, lynching, the treatment of Native Americans and the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II, individual members will step in with recitations of their own failings and remorse. Sen. Larry Craig was sorry for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Rep. Joe Wilson was sorry for disrupting a presidential speech. Sen. John Ensign, for (1) having a mistress, (2) paying her to be on his staff, and (3) getting her husband a job as a lobbyist, was (1) really, (2) really, (3) really sorry.

Well, I’m eager to get in on this action. These guys are getting tremendous sympathy from their audiences, and that positive feedback spurs the innocent among us to come forward with our own penitence. So I can just lie about what I’m manfully accepting responsibility for now, then I’ll really have something to express my guilt over later.

First, I want to apologize for my role in the Panic of 1893. This economic downturn nearly eliminated the burgeoning middle class of late nineteenth century America when over-expansion of the railroads caused a speculative bubble that suddenly burst. I’ve ridden on a train several times in my life, so I feel at least indirectly responsible for this financial catastrophe that almost destroyed the second term of President Grover Cleveland. Sorry about that.

Next, I want to clearly state the depth of my sorrow over the fifteenth-century English War of the Roses. This 32-year conflict between the houses of York and Lancaster split the aristocracy, resulting in a very unstable position for the Crown. I currently live in York County, South Carolina, and my parents lived in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, before I was born, so my role in this calamity is unambiguous. My bad.

The geological epoch known in scientific circles as the Last Glacial Maximum, more commonly called the Ice Age, locked half the globe 20,000 years ago in a frozen sheet. Though it carved out some wondrous topographical features as it edged toward the equator and later receded, it also caused untold hardship to prehistoric wildlife. I took a cruise to Alaska with a group from my local YMCA several years back, and I’d like to report now that I am so ashamed. Not only for taking a cruise with the Y, but also the whole glaciation thing.

Finally, there’s the new season of the CBS comedy “Big Bang Theory.” This piece of junk features an irritating ensemble cast that includes actor Jim Parsons in the role of a techno-nerd. He’s absolutely insufferable in the part, at least during the single episode I could bear to watch. My viewing obviously contributed to the ratings that keep this show on the air. I am so very sorry.

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2 Responses to “I’d like to apologize…”

  1. w Says:

    bwahahaha!!!

  2. fakename2 Says:

    I was so moved by this. Especially the part about the Ice Age, because I’ve been holding so much resentment inside about that, which my therapist says is very bad for my blood pressure. All is forgiven.

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