Obama’s original school speech revealed

Anti-Obama forces opposed to his nationwide speech before schoolchildren yesterday apparently succeeded in getting the script substantially revised before it was delivered. In an exclusive to davisw.wordpress.com, we reprint excerpts from the original, pre-censored address below.

Hello everyone. I’m here with students at Fill in the Blank High School, and we’ve got other students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade, even some college students. I’m glad you could all join us here today.

I’m sorry I can’t visit with you all individually, but you can imagine the firestorm that would trigger, especially trying to land Marine One inside your cafetorium. I hate to think what the wind from the copter rotors would do to all the teacher beehives we have here with us today. Besides, I don’t want some six-year-old yelling “give me back my country” at me. Not to mention all the germs…

This isn’t the first time a president has met in the classroom with students. Some of your parents might remember when my predecessor, President Bush, met with an elementary school class to read them the story of “The Pet Goat” on that fateful September 11 some eight years ago. The space-time continuum was so warped by the president’s attempt to comprehend how a girl’s pet goat could eat everything in its path, yet still end up the hero by head-butting a robber at the end, that large parts of an American city ended up in rubble. Can you imagine the grief I would catch if I allowed something like that? Jeez.

I bring to you today a very simple message, primarily because I know you haven’t been educated well enough to understand much more than that. My message is this: you need to study hard, pay attention in class, do what your teachers ask you to do, and all that other nerdy teacher’s-pet stuff you think isn’t cool. I know you might feel that it’s boring, but hey, that’s life. Try hosting a G-20 summit with both (German chancellor) Angela Merkel and (British prime minister) Gordon Brown in attendance. Those people are deadly.

You need to take responsibility for your own success and your own life. Trust me, no one is going to be there to help you do anything. In fact, you’ll be lucky if someone comes to pick you up after school today…

While I do ask that you be practical and to pursue your studies with the realization that at best you’ll end up with a nine-to-five cubicle-farm job, I still want to encourage you to follow your dreams. Except maybe that one where you arrive in class to deliver your oral report on the anatomy of the human lung and realize you’re wearing nothing but your underwear.

The images you see on television and the internet don’t always give students a realistic view of where they might end up in life. It’s video games that have the realism, especially that last Grand Theft Auto. That was so awesome.

But I guess my point is that you’re not likely to find your success as a rapper, or as a great basketball player, or as the star of a reality TV show. Except I can definitely see that 400-pound kid in the back row on “The Biggest Loser” some day. Which reminds me, I want to send out my heartfelt concern and best wishes that Tila Tequila makes a quick recovery from her encounter with that football player. Tila, all America has you in its prayers.

Let me tell you the story of a boy who grew up in nineteenth-century Germany and didn’t think school was all that important. Little Karl Marx watched his parents labor up to 16 hours a day to make a better life for him, and yet still he was trapped in a pre-industrial society that didn’t even have cable. He dropped out of school and had to take a job as a bag boy after his father was kidnapped by a Prussian. When young Karl saw factory automation threatening his bagging career, he went back to school, eventually making the dean’s list at Leipzig University for inventing Marxism as part of his summer internship. His seminal work, “The Communist Manifesto,” laid the groundwork for many of the policies I’m trying to achieve today. Later, he produced a string of adult-contemporary hit singles and also found success as a record producer. Or maybe I’m thinking of Richard Marx…

You know about the rewards that success can bring, but it’s important for you to understand that education forms a critical foundation for that success. Without dedicating yourself to your school work, you’ll never be able to achieve those much-sought-after symbols of wealth and achievement. Look at this beautiful silver pocketwatch I have, for example. Look at the long silver chain, and watch the way it swings slowly back and forth, back and forth. You will do exactly what I say. You will call your congressman and tell him you support the version of health insurance reform currently before the House Finance Committee.

In closing, let me revisit a few of the most important points I want you to take away today:

  • Stay in school, especially if you’re in your final year of college, because we don’t have any jobs for you.
  • Wash your hands, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and don’t forget to breathe.
  • Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. Wait, I take that back. It is a sign of weakness.
  • The sloppy joes originally on the menu for lunch today have been replaced with something called “fiesta pizza.”
  • Don’t do drugs. (Note to speechwriter: Do I still have to say that?)
  • There is no god but Allah.

Your best days lie ahead of you, and we trust that you will deliver America to a bright future. Let the teachers and staff here at Fill in the Blank High be an inspiration to you. If you don’t want to be a janitor or a lunch lady or that assistant principal who wears his tie too short, you need to dedicate yourself to constant improvement. To that end, I want each and every one of you to go home tonight, talk to your parents about developing a strategy for success, and then kill your parents. Write a report about how the crime is really society’s fault, not yours, and have it on my desk first thing in the morning.

Thank you, and have a wonderful year.

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2 Responses to “Obama’s original school speech revealed”

  1. justaddh2o Says:

    I remember the “Just Say No Campaign” in the mid-80s was televised so why couldn’t this speech? Oh wait the just say no campaign eventually lead to other things like “Just say no to public health care reform, just say no to regulation, just say no to government transparency”

  2. Skip Dekades Says:

    I think the best thing about this speech is the news about the fiesta pizza.

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