Fake News: Healthcare reform is REALLY HARD

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Sept. 7) — Critics of the healthcare reform package currently being considered by Congress are returning to the nation’s capital this week, cowed and repentant after having the living crap scared out of them during August’s town hall meetings.

“It’s time we started back at the beginning,” said Sen. John McCain. “I’m hearing this audible gasp telling us to ‘slow down.’”

“I’ve never seen the hostility I’m seeing,” added the former Navy pilot who spent almost six years as a prisoner of war in North Vietnam, apparently with his eyes closed.

Another Republican who asked not to be quoted characterized the 1,000-page insurance plan now on the table as “really, really hard to read, way too long, and containing pitifully few coloring opportunities.”

Conservative pundits have pointed out how thorough the package to overhaul the nation’s entire care delivery system has become, as if that’s a bad thing. Fox commentator Sean Hannity goes to great dramatic effect by dropping the eight-pound draft on his desk with a tremendous thud. Former New York Lt. Gov. Betsy McCaughey hauled a loose-leaf binder containing the document onto one national talk show, rifling through the pages with visible exasperation at all the words. Even the presence of well-placed sticky notes could not console her.

Protestors who have been the most vocal at meetings between congressmen and their constituents complained the proposal represented socialized medicine, a government takeover, and the biggest challenge to their reading abilities since The DaVinci Code.

“I’m not stupid but I can’t read this,” shouted one man at a recent rally.

“Actually, he is stupid. Really stupid,” observed Jason Peterson, an analyst with the New York-based think tank “A Is For Apple.” “The language used in the plan has to be thorough because of the size of the task that’s being undertaken. But it’s written in relatively plain English. You can’t revamp a multi-billion-dollar system in the space of a Ziggy quote.”

Some analysts believe that even if a new care-delivery structure is to be put into place, it will have to be largely rewritten. One legislative aide suggested making the bill more user-friendly by breaking it up into verses and chapters, gluing a red ribbon into the spine so readers can mark their place, and putting phrases written by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in red type.

“A lot of these opponents from the right are big Bible readers,” said one Senate aide. “Many of them regard the senior senator from Kentucky as the son of God, and I think seeing his input highlighted would give them great comfort.”

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3 Responses to “Fake News: Healthcare reform is REALLY HARD”

  1. quilly Says:

    I can’t leave a comment, I’m laughing too hard!

  2. The Amoeba Says:

    I think seeing his input highlighted would give them great comfort

    It would far more likely get him crucified. That sort of thing tends to happen to sons of God. Especially those caught offering grace to Samaritans Samaritans.

    Nice work.

  3. Skip Dekades Says:

    Rather than reading the document, I think I’ll just wait for the movie.

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