Fake News: Lyin’ in the Senate

WASHINGTON, D.C. (August 26) — The Lion of the Senate is dead.

A 450-pound female, described by biologists as a 12-year-old member of the Barbary Lion subspecies, was found in the foyer of the Senate cloakroom by a night watchman late yesterday. The body of the animal, one of Africa’s largest predatory carnivores, was removed by members of the sergeant-at-arms office shortly after the discovery.

The lion is believed to have been stalking senators for the last two years since it was inadvertently introduced by an elementary school group visiting the upper chamber of Congress in 2007. The beast’s tail could frequently be seen wagging high above the Senate floor as it napped in the rafters of the Capitol.

The cause of death was not immediately known, but already there is suspicion of foul play. A comment by one of Washington’s largest lobbying firms fueled speculation that the beast had been killed.

“We need to put this in the proper perspective,” said Henry Childs, president of the Associated Federation of Jackals, Hyenas and Scavengers. “This cat was endangering the legislative process. We believe that wild beasts should be allowed to wander freely through the halls of Congress only under certain carefully defined circumstances, such as during a filibuster.”

The lion was believed to have taken up permanent residence when it saw the large number of elderly men in the Senate and reacted with its natural instinct to cull the weakest members from a herd. No senators were thought to have been consumed by the animal, though several key aides to the Senate Subcommittee on Domestic and Foreign Marketing, Inspection, and Plant and Animal Health believed to have returned to their home districts may turn up during the autopsy.

Members of this particular species generally hunt wildebeest, impala, springbok, eland and kudu on the sub-Saharan African plains. Those spindly-legged ungulates bear a striking resemblance to several of the Senate’s most senior members, particularly 91-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) and 85-year-old Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.). It is speculated that the big cat tracked these men closely before discovering they couldn’t meet it’s need for a minimum of 15 pounds of meat per day.

“This may be the ‘world’s greatest deliberative body’, but it’s not a body that can provide enough protein to sustain an apex predator,” said Senate zoologist Edward Notting. “We have reason to think it may have occasionally feasted on tourists in the Great Rotunda and Statuary Hall. If that regimen were supplemented with the carcasses of key floor whips and occasional raids of the House breakfast buffet, that could keep the animal alive and healthy.”

Lion deliberates eating Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Ha.)

Lion deliberates eating Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Ha.)

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3 Responses to “Fake News: Lyin’ in the Senate”

  1. Skip Dekades Says:

    Too bad Barney Frank isn’t in the Senate. The cat would have never starved.

  2. tom1950 Says:

    Hilarious, simply hilarious. I’ve email a link to my brother who is in the Indiana Senate. I know ‘lyin’ are territorial, but they do move around from time to time. He is warned.

    T.O.M.

  3. fakename2 Says:

    I am immediately beginning work on my suggested menu for the next lion who finds its way into the Senate cloakroom. Already we know we would suggest a side of fava beans and some nice Chianti.

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