Fake News: Gun lobby getting new ideas

WASHINGTON (Aug. 19) – Representatives of both political parties are becoming increasingly concerned that the National Rifle Association is not getting everything it wants, and have begun an initiative to draw out the deepest desires of the gun lobby and have them enacted into law.

Long-time goals such as wider passage of “concealed carry” laws, permission for gun owners to bring weapons into national parks, and repeal of the ban on assault rifles may not be enough to placate the powerful group. Recent incidents of citizens carrying firearms to healthcare townhall meetings and the release of NRA mascot and would-be Gerald Ford assassin Squeaky Fromme indicate the lobby may be running out of ideas for requests from compliant legislators.

“Are you sure there’s not something else we can do for you?” asked a nervous Sen. Arlen Specter at a meeting of the NRA board earlier this week. “Because if there is, you just have to let us know and we’ll take care of it. Really. It’s no trouble at all. We’re here to make you happy.”

NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre said he would coldly stroke his chin, aim his steely grey eyes into the distance, and carefully consider Specter’s proposal.

“Hmmm,” he said. “Interesting.”

Moments later, aides to LaPierre were ready with a five-point legislative agenda to be presented to Congressmen when they return from their August recess. The items would give unprecedented strength to the Second Amendment and encourage unarmed Americans to run for the lives.

The initiatives were outlined as follows:

  • Instead of casual “hi’s”, head nods or the pursing of lips into a half-smile, people who passed coworkers in the hall would now be required to fire a warning shot
  • Accident victims who lost all or part of the use of their hands would be required to have pistols transplanted onto the end of their stubs
  • Doctors would abandon use of the scalpel to gain access to internal organs during surgical procedures and would instead open patients up with carefully targeted suppressive fire from automatic weapons
  • All animals of the mammalian order or higher would be allowed to purchase and carry firearms
  • Two bandoliers of ammunition crossed into an X-format would replace the commonly used “snugli” for parents who wanted to carry their infants hands-free on their chest
Parents would no longer have to "put up your hands" with easy access to high-powered ammo

Parents would no longer have to "put up your hands" with easy access to high-powered ammo

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5 Responses to “Fake News: Gun lobby getting new ideas”

  1. joeallday14 Says:

    I know, I don’t know when there just gonna put Micheal Jackson to rest, its a smart marketing move.

  2. jammer5 Says:

    Now that’s funny 🙂

  3. fnord Says:

    Don’t give em any ideas! Gun nuts will buy into that agenda and tell you it’s guaranteed by the Constitution. Not only are they so afraid of life they must strap guns on themselves in order to feel safe enough to leave their homes, their fears leave no room for cognitive thinking skills.

  4. Miss Suzy Says:

    I was hoping to release my new Snugli design — breathable Kevlar with a sidearm pocket. Maybe now is the time…..

  5. bearmancartoons Says:

    That kid is attacking that man. Quick shoot it.

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