Monday miscellany: Close to the edit

As I approach the first anniversary of this blog on Sept. 1, I’ve started thinking about cleaning out some of my files. Specifically, there’s this one called “ideas” that I’ve used to collect subjects for possible posts. A flash occurs to me while in the shower or on the treadmill, and I scribble a few notes to be transcribed onto my laptop later. Some of these get expanded into full columns while others have been languishing for quite a while now, and I’ve lost the spark of inspiration, if it ever even existed.

So today’s post is going to consist of these fragment and tidbits.

  • Our local paper has a columnist who writes folksy narratives about people of the region who have special stories to tell. Typical articles tell about an eight-year-old who invented a water balloon inflator, a woman who grew a bean large enough to be mentioned on a late-night comedy show, and an elderly man who emptied garbage at the Y for over 60 years. What if the columnist wrote a story about that woman in our area who caught a mental patient having sex with her horse? “Ellen Mason loved her horses with a passion, but not quite the same passion as John Ely,” it might begin. Or “When Ellen Mason caught a local man sewing his wild oats by taking a roll in the hay with her favorite mare, she thought the man had no horse sense at all.”
  • Why do people wear so many shirts at one time these days?
  • The man who lived behind the house where my wife and I spent our first year of marriage claimed to have a shrinking brain.
  • I watched “Hitler’s Hidden Holocaust” on the National Geographic channel the other day, and found it very unnerving that there was no clear break between the documentary and the commercials that sponsored it. One minute we see the killing field where thousands were slaughtered, and without warning we next see an animated talking wart facing Dr. Scholl’s Freeze Away. Then it’s Direct Buy, then it’s Howard Johnson’s, then it’s back to 1941 Latvia. What if you saw Hitler working as the front desk clerk at HoJo?
  • President Obama is starting to show flecks of grey hair. He needs to buy Just For Presidents.
  • I think Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon are the same person. Or maybe it’s just the similarity in syllable inflection.
  • Actual video games: pretend you’re a puppy trainer, wedding designer, driver, babysitter, mechanic, teacher, or dance squad member. Also, Dog Whisperer, Hell’s Kitchen, Grey’s Anatomy, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
  • I believe that children are our future, but only because of that song.
  • New sitcom featuring Octomom, chimp that went ballistic on woman’s face, a beheading, the 13-year-old father, and the image of Jesus left on dog door by recently flea-dipped dog.
  • Lots of stuff out these days about people doing something for an entire year: the book “Year of Living Biblically,” the movie “Yes Man” (Jim Carrey never says “no”), a year spent self-committed to a mental institution. How about a book by someone who doesn’t drink any water for a whole year?
  • Claims that eating sugar makes kids hyperactive have been debunked. How soon before that one gets re-bunked?
  • If I’m trying to remember something that has just barely slipped my mind, I can often get it back right before falling asleep. This is a great excuse for taking naps.
  • The National Enquirer reports that Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger, the hero pilot who landed a stalled USAir flight in the Hudson River, has tested positive for crystal meth, failed to pay taxes for three consecutive years, and has been named on a list confiscated from an escort agency.
  • In an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, Radio Shack has rebranded itself as “The Shack,” while Pizza Hut is becoming “The Hut.” The now-bankrupt home accessories store known as Linens-n-Things would still be alive today had it been renamed “The Things.”
  • An elderly couple not familiar with shopping at the organic grocery store stop by the café for a cup of coffee. “Sumatran or Colombian?” the barista inquires. “What’s the difference?” the husband asks. Country of origin, they’re told. They choose Colombian because it’s something they’ve heard of. “Soy milk? Stevia sweetener?” they’re asked. I have to walk away before I hear the response.
  • My wife got so mad she had to leave the room while my son and I watched “Borat” on DVD the other day. An hour into the movie, she happens to walk through the room and which part is on? Nude wrestling.
  • I’ve written reviews on not just websites but also on bathroom dispensers and nations (England got eight ampersands out of ten, because that’s what it’s shaped like). Next, I’m going to write a review of a particular organ. The lungs, for example, are vastly overrated.
  • Mombloggers who write about how horrible their kids are.
  • New trend in spring break destinations for college students – ironic locales such as Chicago, Newfoundland and Idaho.
  • The fun of “making a basket” by throwing your soiled towel into the bin from halfway across the locker room at the Y is very much diminished by the guy who just appeared out of nowhere from around the corner right in the arc of your toss.
  • Blowing your nose should not be sanctioned as a public activity. What other orifice are you allowed to force matter out of while surrounded by coworkers?
  • Why does my cat love so much to be underneath things? I can’t show you a picture of what he looks like in his entirety. Here’s some of the front half:
Hiding under a newspaper

Hiding under a newspaper

… and here’s some of the back half:

Hiding under a throw rug

Hiding under a throw rug

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3 Responses to “Monday miscellany: Close to the edit”

  1. fracas Says:

    After reading your post, several little bits of potential plagiarism inspiration jump out at me. It was almost frightening.

    Thanks for sharing these fragments and bits. You won’t know when, how or why… but expect to be cited, quoted and linked in the future.

    😉

    P.S. Maybe the cat knows the reason for hiding? Maybe I’ll interview the cat and dish all about you? Yeah.

  2. tychy Says:

    so many ideas! you should get together a writing team like those behind the Simpsons and West Wing, and then delegate some of the work.

    btw i think that all the “mombloggers” should all be packed into some sort of rocket, which would then be fired at north korea. “read about my fascinating children, who are actually just the same as everybody else’s…”

  3. Anonymously Secret Says:

    Your cat is adorable! He likes to hide? Maybe he’s playing peek-a-boo with you.

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