Advice gone squirrelly

“You Want My Advice?” is a weekend summer rerun feature of I look at questions of ethics, propriety, faith, technology, geopolitics, health, etc., and offer completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. Today, we hear from a reader who’s having some problems protecting his hearth and home.

Q. A squirrel is trying to get in a bay of the roof just behind the side trim on my dormer. He has gotten in previously by chewing on the fascia trim board. I finally got him out and nailed some lightweight metal to cover the holes. He made short work of those metal patches, so the next time I got him out I covered the entire fascia with galvanized steel. He keeps scratching on the metal. How long will it take him to get in, one way or another? – Despiser of All Things Wild

A. The squirrel is one of nature’s most persistent creatures, so I’m guessing it won’t take long at all. In fact, in the time it took you to send me this correspondence, I’d be willing to bet you’re already up to your knees in acorns.

Just kidding. Actually, I bet the galvanized steel will work for a while, though most biologists now predict that squirrels will be developing blow-torch technology in the next two to three years that will enable them to burn through all metals except reinforced titanium. Some pest control experts are suggesting a “reverse psychology” strategy that will use the animals’ ingenuity against them. This philosophy involves you moving out of your house and into your yard, which will then encourage the furry-tailed scamps to try to break out of your house instead of into it.

I might also suggest the use of humane traps which would allow you to capture the squirrels and return them to your nearest nature preserve. If you don’t have a preserve in your area, I’ll soon be posting some excellent squirrel recipes printed in the outdoors section of our local paper, including the compassionate and delicious fried squirrel and the hearty smothered squirrel.

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3 Responses to “Advice gone squirrelly”

  1. izaakmak Says:

    Ah the many times I came home to find my mother cooking some creature or other she and her friends had “hunted up.” Those Beverly Hillbillies had nothing on her! I’ll bet she’d have a cure for that old squirrel problem!

    Thanks for the memories – of McDonalds, KFC, PB&J, anything other than that! 🙄

  2. Adoremypets / Rick Says:

    We have squirrels one is named Sammy and he comes when called. He does not live in our house must be another house near by. Where we are it is quite urban but about 1/2 mile is the Palos Verdes Peninsula and there is a lot of wild life there. Love your story.

  3. fakename2 Says:

    Wow, this truly brought back memories for me as well. I used to live in a rented house near West Palm Beach, where I had a problem with scratching sounds in the wall. The landlord came over to repair a fence that had been damaged by a hurricane, and while he was at it, nailed up boards to keep the “squirrels” out. Thereby promptly sealing them in. Except it wasn’t squirrels. It was rats. I refused to believe it at first. Like I’m paying $1,500 a month for this house. I cannot have rats. But the pest control people explained to me that I was living in Florida. On a lake. With a mango tree next to the house. Apparently rats really like water and mangoes. They put traps in my attic. Eventually my cat killed them. Which was great, except for the part about almost stepping on their little dead bodies in the middle of the night.

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