Fake News: No death for voters

WASHINGTON (August 5) – Administration officials acknowledged yesterday that the President will have to alter his healthcare insurance proposal to remove a controversial plan that would kill many Americans.

“It’s just not politically possible at this point to implement a reform package that would include the government slaughter of innocent citizens,” said a White House spokesperson who requested anonymity. “We thought we could slip this through without much notice, but it’s increasingly apparent that people don’t want to be slain, and they don’t want their relatives slain either.”

The so-called “Let’s Murder Mom” provision of the health insurance plan was recently exposed by North Carolina Republican Rep. Virginia Foxx. She pointed out that GOP proposals are more pro-life because they “will not put seniors in a position of being put to death by their government.” The package that had been before Congress included Medicare coverage of consultations to discuss hospice care for elderly patients with life-threatening diseases.

Conservative pundits had criticized the idea that government officials would be visiting people in their homes to knife, shoot, beat or otherwise bludgeon them. Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) recently joined in the chorus of opposition, claiming the plan “may start us down a treacherous path toward government-encouraged euthanasia.” Right-wing commentator Laura Ingraham said “old people could be visited in their homes and essentially be told ‘alright sweetie, you’ve had a good life.’”

The White House official quoted yesterday said President Obama had received numerous emails from Congressional Democrats who said they’d have trouble in next year’s midterm elections trying to win support “from voters who we’d then turn around and kill.”

“Obviously, we wouldn’t execute anybody until after they were able to vote for our candidates,” the aide said. “But we’ve seen polling numbers that indicate support would be soft if the electorate knew their representatives were going to then snatch their lives away.”

Obama got a sense of this concern during a recent AARP-sponsored town-hall meeting at which a caller reported hearing that Medicare would be sending out workers to ask each elderly citizen how they wanted to die. The president said the federal workforce simply wasn’t large enough to visit everybody, hinting that some would instead receive a specially super-charged phone call which would electrocute them via remote control.

“I don’t think that’d be fair,” said the caller, who identified herself as Mary. “Especially if I just had a headache or a sore wrist.”

Hard-line liberals within the party may still try to push for the more-thorough scheme of removing the infirm from the pool of those being insured. Some on the left who support a pro-choice view on abortion rights, for example, could argue that termination of pregnancies could be extended beyond the third trimester to include the two-hundredth trimester.

“I think we could sugar-coat the concept a little better,” admitted one activist. “A chocolate-candy shell surrounding the poison pills might make them more palatable.”

But most in the inner circle closest to the President admit the death-to-the-aged idea is quickly becoming a non-starter.

“It might fly in the Northeast corridor and large parts of the South where life is so miserable anyway,” said the aide. “But we’re realizing more and more that it’s a killer in the border states.”

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One Response to “Fake News: No death for voters”

  1. Rocky Humbert Says:

    You neglected to mention the 5% surtax on millionaires to pay for the new knives, guns and other blunt objects required for bludgeoning. That tax provision ensured that the “Let’s Murder Mom” provision would be “dead on arrival.”

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