Medication advice for the elderly

“You Want My Advice?” is a weekend summer rerun feature of davisw.wordpress.com. I look at questions of ethics, propriety, faith, technology, geopolitics, health, etc., and offer completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. Today, we hear from an elderly reader wondering about his medications.

Q. I’m an 83-year-old man and am medicated pretty well. I walk sometimes but otherwise get little exercise. Recently, I started having bad cramps at night and my legs are getting weak. Please advise me. – Old Man

A. You’ve come to the right place. I’m a 55-year-old man and am also “medicated pretty well,” if you know what I mean.

Have you ever tried Simvostat, sometimes known as “Simmies” or “Vo-vo”? It’s a drug designed to lower your cholesterol but, man, I gotta tell you, that stuff sends me totally flying. If you’re at all into mad hallucinations, this is for you. After I dose myself (don’t take with grapefruit), I’ll just lay back and stare at the clouds. Sometimes they form themselves into the Face of God and speak to me, while other times all I can see are flying monkeys and these transluscent fish that just laugh and laugh. It’s so cool, AND it’s gotten my cholesterol down to 135.

Another high I can recommend is Lorzepam, often called “Zeps” or “Lordy Lorzy” on the streets. This is ostensibly a sleep medication, but if you can manage to keep yourself awake, the effect is similar to surgical anesthesia. You’re just drifting, drifting – it feels like your brain is buzzing. If you do fall asleep, beware that side effects may include amnesia with no memory for the event, such as sleep-driving, sleep-eating and sleep-robbing-convenience-stores.

The last medication that I would “highly” recommend is something called Flomax. This is frequently prescribed to men of a certain age who may have trouble “going” or else find themselves going “all the time.” Flomax itself isn’t in generic form yet, so you might also ask for pharmaceutical equivalents such as Peezalot, WeeBegone or Pissanpiss. Besides fixing your prostate, this stuff makes your face literally vibrate and gives you incredible incentive to get things done (mostly things involving urinals). If you need to stay up late to study for a test or prepare a presentation for work, this is the junk you want.

As for bad cramps and leg weakness, I think you’ll forget all about these problems – not to mention the names of close family members – if you try any of the above-recommended drugs. Have fun, dude.

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4 Responses to “Medication advice for the elderly”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    And, if you find yourself in trouble with the fairer sex, try Noassatall or Suffadenial.

    T.O.M.

  2. morethananelectrician Says:

    Those face tremors are quite a cool side effect. Vibrations three feet lower on the body would really make a guy popular.

  3. Anonymously Secret Says:

    “…stare at the clouds. Sometimes they form themselves into the Face of God and speak to me, while other times all I can see are flying monkeys…”

    FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER READ!

    Lol, great advice!

  4. fakename2 Says:

    Omg. This so resonates with me. Because I recently saw an episode of somthing or the other on TruTV, about a guy who murdered his wife while sleep-walking. It was like he tried to strangle her and she didn’t die, so then he threw her into the swimming pool, where (finally!) she drowned, and then he went upstairs and cleaned himself up…and he was asleep the whole time. Oddly enough, neither the police or the jury believed him. Apprarently this sequence of behaviors is a little complex for your average sleepwalker. If only he could have said he was taking Lorzepam. Murderers are like, so dumb.

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