Obama’s Friday morning ‘Hangover’

President Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley emerged from a Las Vegas hotel elevator early this morning, looking dazed and confused following an all-night binge of beer drinking.

“How the hell did we end up in Vegas?” asked a visibly shaken Obama at a brief meeting with the press. “The last thing I remember, we were reconciling 400 years of animosity between blacks and whites in America. Now I feel like my tongue was stepped on by Harry Reid.”

“Man, I was really messed up,” said Crowley.

“Quite frankly,” added Gates, “I was ’faced.”

The three had met Thursday evening for what was described in the press as a “beer summit” to discuss the much-publicized arrest of Gates by Sgt. Crowley earlier this month. Gates was originally suspected of breaking and entering when seen trying to open his jammed front door. Crowley arrested Gates on disorderly conduct charges in what the professor labeled a case of racial profiling.

It was hoped the two men could join the President to amicably resolve the misunderstanding while downing a few brews at the White House. After sharing their first two drinks at a table near the Rose Garden, the trio adjourned to the Blue Room for what the President called “a little game we like to call beer pong.” They emerged several hours later stumbling toward a Marine helicopter, then apparently flew on Air Force One to Nevada.

Obama lurched out of the elevator at the Bellagio hotel early this morning and headed into the nearby casino. He was reportedly pumping quarters into a slot machine and muttering “c’mon healthcare reform, c’mon healthcare reform” before Secret Service agents led him back to the lobby.

Gates was seen wading in the elaborate fountain in front of the hotel after witnesses said they heard him comment he was going to the shore at Martha’s Vineyard. When security guards escorted him from the water, he complained about being wet and noted that he “wouldn’t be so damn soaked if I were a white man.”

Crowley was observed leaving the amusement park atop the Stratosphere Hotel after being told he couldn’t board the roller coaster with a baby strapped to his chest. A spokesperson for the Chicken Ranch, a legal brothel outside of Las Vegas, said he was also denied service there, again because of the whole baby-on-his-chest thing.

Moments ago, the three men reunited at McCarren International Airport, boarding the presidential jet for a return flight to Washington. Notably absent was Vice President Joe Biden, who had been a last-minute addition to the Rose Garden photo op but was apparently ditched during the evening because he was drinking non-alcoholic beer and not “acting stupidly” enough. The trio boarded Air Force One with Obama pulling a white tiger on a leash behind him.

Robert Gibbs, the exasperated White House Press Secretary, was overheard lamenting to aides that “great, it had to be a white tiger.”

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